How To Fix Bixby

Image: Tegan Jones/Gizmodo Australia

Last week, Samsung gave us a brief glimpse into what the future of Bixby might look like. We bore witness to the Galaxy Home — a smart speaker containing useful functionality that may be capable of challenging Amazon and Google for AI Assistant domination.

Considering Bixby's shocking track record thus far, this probably came as a bit of a surprise.

But sadly, we don't know when the Galaxy Home will be available. So what is the deal with Bixby until then? What could Samsung do in the short term to improve what is possibly the industry's most hated assistant?

Give it the voice of Samsung's CEO DJ Koh.

Hear me out.

Firstly, the continued adoption of female AI assistant voices is both problematic and passe. It's time for a change. Give us a point of difference. Give us something we can believe in again.

Give us the authority that DJ brings to stage every time he graces it. Harness that cult of personality and inject it into my phone.

While simply changing the voice of Bixby won't fix the voice recognition accuracy, lack of third party support, gimmicky functionality you don't care about and fuck it, everything else — it will give you less of a reason to chuck your phone out a window.

Because who doesn't want to hear DJ Koh tell a classic Bixby dad-joke? Or say anything, really?

Let's take his keynote at the latest Unpacked as an example. His pure passion was evident and infectious. His words punctuated by purposeful pauses and commanding verbal periods that kept us on the edge of our seats.

He left me thirsty for more.

Much like James Earl Jones or Christopher Lee, DJ offers an inexplicable melodic tone that imbues each word he deigns to speak with gravitas. I would listen to him read out stock reports and the entirety of War and Peace and find it interesting. I would have him recite the lyrics to Hanson's 1997 album, Middle of Nowhere, as spoken word and declare it a work of art.

So when it comes to Bixby — yes DJ, tell me if its raining in Sydney today, even though my home screen already does that. Even if it's sunny outside, I'll believe you.

Tell me all the basic information that would probably be quicker to Google.

Change my alarm clock tone to your All These Things That I've Done entrance music and welcome me to my day. I'll be filled with energy.

With DJ in my phone, I would be far more likely to use that stuff.

Consider yourself taken to task, Samsung. Give us something to tide us over until the Galaxy Home changes the game. Give us passion. Give us ear candy.

Give us the DJ Koh AI voice that the world deserves.

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