I Have Determined That Hatchbacks Are The Ideal Vehicle

Photo: Paul Sancya (AP)

Have you, like so many of us, ever lamented that your vehicle is not suited to all aspects of your life? My friends, I have worked out the answer.

Hatchbacks are a perfect solution to all of life's problems. Are you working a nine-to-five and need a fuel efficient commuter car that won't take up too much space in the parking lot? Are you part of a family of five, including multiple children who participate in sports? Are you moving across the country? Do you need a portable home for a long road trip? Are you looking for a slick two-seater to impress the ladies? Well, my friends, the answer is unanimous: drive a hatchback.

I am the proud owner of a sweet, darling Mazda 2. This does not make me biased; instead, this fact has given me all the evidence I need to make my assumption. I've driven sedans. I've driven SUVs. I've driven old beaters and slick sports cars. Nothing has yet compared to the true utilitarian purpose of my Mazda.

In owning this wonderful piece of machinery, I've come to learn that trunks are for weenies. Why do we need a whole separate compartment for luggage? That, my friends, is inefficient. When you can extend your trunk space simply by folding down the back seats, you've just opened up a world of possibilities.

I could comfortably live in a hatchback. This week, I drove 25 long hours from Texas to Watkins Glen International for the IMSA race. I folded down the back seats, pushed the front seats up, and inflated a whole entire air mattress in the trunk so I could have a nap. Can you comfortably nap in a sedan's backseat? I think not. Would you be protected from the elements in the bed of a truck? I think not.

And please, don't argue that an SUV could accomplish the same thing. I'm sure you could sleep in an SUV, but can you comfortably manoeuvre that bad boy into a compact car space? Can you easily parallel park in the tightest of spaces? No, sir. No you cannot. Your hatchback will be the perfect city-sized vehicle for all occasions without having to tarnish your pride opting for a smart car.

"But what about my children?!" you, a working parent of small humans cries. I have great news. I have comfortably transported five grown-arse adults in my own car. I have moved out all of my belongings in the trunk with room to spare. If I've managed to do that, your car seats and lanky teens should manage just fine. And when the youngins move out, then go ahead and upgrade to a hatchback sports car. Two seats and all that trunk space will serve you well.

If you, like me, are Very Interested In Racing, then please know that with this wonderful hatchback, you could create your very own race car. That's right: throw in a roll bar and you are ready to go rally racing. Could you do that with your pickup truck? With your soccer mum van? Would you even think about doing that with your midlife-crisis-mobile? No. No, you would not.

I will consider no other arguments. A hatchback is the only way to go.

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