Image: Wizards of the Coast. Art by Matt Cavotta.
Magic: The Gathering has spent nearly 25 years bringing us to weird, wonderful worlds through its cards, thanks to their gorgeous art but also through the lore-filled “flavour text” on each card. They tell fantastical stories in a mere sentence or two — or sometimes, they just make you giggle. Here’s 25 of the funniest.
25) Runeboggle
Art by Ron Spencer
“Ever try to count hyperactive schoolchildren while someone shouts random numbers in your ear? It’s like that.”
— Geetra, frustrated mage
Set: Guildpact
Magic‘s counterspell cards have a whole array of explanations for how they stop a rival player for playing card. But the idea of this one drowning them out with sheer nonsense noise is pretty hilarious.
24) Canyon Minotaur
Art by Steve Prescott
“We’ll scale these cliffs, traverse Brittle Bridge, and then fight our way down the volcanic slopes on the other side.”
“Isn’t the shortest route through the canyon?”
“Yes.”
“So shouldn’t we — “
“No.”
Set: Magic 2014
Some Magic flavour text draws on a more serious tone to make its cards seem like intimidating, powerful spells and creatures. Some go another route, much like the adventurers in the description.
23) Break Open
Art by Alex Horley-Orlandelli
There are two ways to resolve puzzling situations: thoughtful contemplation or force. After thoughtful contemplation, most barbarians choose force.
Set: Onslaught
As the name implies, Magic is a game of spells and wizardry, powerful sorcerers pitting an arsenal of magics against each other. So of course it likes to take the piss out of the more physical, straightfoward archetypes of fantasy lore.
22) Dead Reveler
Art by David Palumbo
He’s the unlife of the party.
Set: Return to Ravnica
Not every Magic joke has to necessarily be that clever. Sometimes, you just need a good pun.
21) Goblin Raider
Art by Greg Staples
He’s smart for a goblin. He can do two things: hit and run.
Set: Ninth Edition
Goblins are Magic‘s favourite race for joke cards, painting them as perennial idiots, even at their most brutal.
20) The Cheese Stands Alone
Art by Randy Elliot
The meat, on the other hand, has frequent visitors.
Set: Unglued
It’s almost unfair to put a card from “Unglued” here, an entirely satirical, zany expansion for the game that leaned on wacky abilities and goofy flavour text. But look at that giant Cheese Man and tell me that’s not hilarious.
19) Goblin Piledriver
Art by Matt Cavotta
Throw enough goblins at any problem and it should go away. At the very least, there’ll be fewer goblins.
Set: Onslaught
Poor Goblins. Even on their own great cards — this one amps up its attack based on how many other goblin cards you have attacking in a turn — they still get dunked on by the flavour text.
18) Lightmine Field
Art by Eric Deschamps
If you want to kill a lot of goblins, just make sure your defences look like fun.
Set: Rise of the Eldrazi
Another age-old rule of Magic: You don’t have to be a Goblin card to make fun of Goblins.
17) Wheel of Torture
Art by Henry Van Der Linde
“I’d like to buy a bowel.”
Set: Urza’s Legacy
Why yes, that is a Wheel of Fortune joke about someone’s digestive tract. Isn’t it great?
16) Goblin Grenade
Art by Kev Walker
Don’t underestimate the aerodynamic qualities of the common goblin.
Set: Magic 2012
The best kind of joke about Goblins in Magic inevitably ends with a dead Goblin.
15) Wall of Caltrops
“Ow Ow ow ow Oooh, ow, OW”
Set: Legends
Let’s be honest: What response would you have trying to get over a wall made entirely out of pointy things designed to really hurt you?
14) Furnace Whelp
Art by Matt Cavotta
Baby dragons can’t figure out humans — if they didn’t want to be killed, why were they made of meat and treasure?
Set: Fifth Dawn
The best Magic flavour text puts you into the headspace of its subject, whether it’s a troll, a horde of zombies, or giant dragons. In this case, the dragon’s thoughts are pretty reasonable, at least from its perspective.
13) Impatience
Art by Kunio Hagio
“I’m going to count to three. Three.”
Set: Seventh Edition
I have no idea what is happening in this image other than one bearded man is getting ready to punch another bearded man, but it somehow makes the joke even better.
12) Raging Goblin
Art by Jeff Miracola
He raged at the world, at his family, at his life. But mostly he just raged.
Set: Sixth Edition
Magic Goblins are usually either furious or stupid. Both types are solidly funny.
11) Manabarbs
Art by Jeff Miracola
“I don’t know why people say a double-edged sword is bad. It’s a sword. With two edges.”
— Kamahl, pit fighter
Set: Tenth Edition
This one doesn’t really go with the card itself, but like I said, good Magic flavour puts you in the shoes of its subject. And what kind of pit fighter wouldn’t love a sword with multiple edges?
10) Inspiration
Art by Izzy
“Day 31: I finally succeeded in my time reversal experiment!
“Day 30: I might have a problem here.”
— Journal of the Prime Izmagnus
Set: Return to Ravnica
I believe this speaks for itself.
9) Meteor Shower
Art by Rick Emond
“Eenie, meenie, minie, moe . . . oh, why not all of them?”
— Jaya Ballard, task mage
Set: Ice Age
Most Magic flavour text is written as a one-off thing — but over the years it’s been used to tell larger stories, and introduce recurring characters in the fiction. Jaya, a wizard who mainly appears on offensive red magic cards and devoted pyromaniac, was one such early recurring figure.
8) Reparations
Art by Douglas Shuler
“Sorry I burned down your village. Here’s some gold.”
Set: Mirage
Here we see the first and only fantasy adventurer to ever feel bad about burning down some peasants’ village.
7) Wall of Swords
Art by Zoltan Boros & Gabor Szikszai
“When I said we needed more swords to protect the realm, this was not quite what I had in mind.”
— Olander, tactician of the Northern Verge
Set: Magic 2014
It’s the birds flying directly into the wall that really makes this one.
6) Lava Axe
Art by Brian Snoddy
“Catch!”
Set: Eighth Edition
An iconic Magic card. Later versions have had an updated flavour text with a pretty good alternative joke:
A strict upgrade over the cinder hatchet.
5) Goblin Offensive
Art by Carl Critchlow
They certainly are.
Set: Urza’s Saga
/rimshot
4) Obliterate
Art by Kev Walker
“The enemy has been destroyed, sir. So have the forest, the city, your palace, your dog . . .”
— Keldon soldier
Set: Eighth Edition
Later versions of this card have a more serious flavour text, befitting its power — it’s a card that wipes literally every other card off the field of play, including your own. But when you’ve just enraged your opponent by destroying everything he’s worked for, this is version you want to play to add that final insult to massive, massive injury.
3) Werebear
Art by Carl Critchlow
He exercises his right to bear arms.
Set: Odyssey
I hope the person who wrote this bit of flavour text was promoted instantly.
2) Wave of Indifference
Art by Greg & Tim Hildebrandt
“Darius?”
“Yeah?”
“There’s a goblin sneaking up on you.”
“So?”
“Just sayin’.”
Set: Onslaught
Another flavour text that requires knowing the title and how the card works — it stops a targeted number of your opponent’s cards from blocking damage this turn. The conversation’s silly, but when you think about it, it’s also hilariously grim.
1) Fodder Cannon
Art by Christopher Moeller
Step 1: Find your cousin.
Step 2: Get your cousin in the cannon.
Step 3: Find another cousin.
Set: Eighth Edition
No other card could top this list than a Goblin card, and this is the best of a great lot.
With nearly 25 years’ worth of cards to choose from, there’s plenty more great bits of funny Magic card descriptions out there. Got a particular favourite? Share it in the comments!