With such a subtle episode title, I wonder what's going to happen!? Also, everyone gathers in King's Landing to talk business. Because last time Cersei got a bunch of important people together in a season finale it worked out super well for them.
If you haven't seen episode 7 stop reading now, or you’ll regret it. 'I’ve waited a week for this and I can’t believe you’ve ruined it, you monster' regret. No one likes regret. So, stop thinking about it and just book a Mustang test drive already.
A stern looking Greyworm kicks off the episode, standing with the Unsullied outside the walls of King's Landing. Jaime watches on, acutely aware that they're ready to cap bitches if necessary.
The Lannister armies prepare for this possibility, with 1000 barrels of delicious, piping hot oil.
Bronn and Jaime look out across the army and engage in a borderline philosophical discussion around cockless men fighting. It's almost insightful and that scares me.
The Dothraki roll up at this point, with war cries that give me flashbacks to Xena Warrior Princess circa 1995. They're followed by the Targaryen crew, sans their queen.
Jon asks Tyrion how many people live in KL and wonders why so many people would choose to live that way. It's reminiscent of all the times people from your hometown ask why you moved to the big smoke. "There's more work in the city, and the brothels are far superior."
Below deck, The Hound messes around with his zombie cargo to remind us of this plot point.
Inside the palace, Cersei talks about murder logistics in case anything goes wrong. Apparently the plan is to have an offsite at a place called the Dragon Pit. Jaime seems super done with her bullshit.
Outside, the posse talk about the origin of the Pit. Back in the day, dragons weren't allowed to roam free because they liked BBQing the city too much. In the end, they became very small and sick, which is rather sad, really.
Bronn, Brienna, Pod and some Lannister soldiers appear to escort the posse the rest of the way.
Pod and Tyrion and super happy to see each other, but Bronn interrupts their reunion.
"Come on, you can suck his magic cock later."
The Hound and Brienne also have a catch up sesh. She passed on that Arya is alive, and they both just wanted to protect her. The Hound wonders who is looking after her in Winterfell. He doesn't seem particularly surprised that she can take care of herself these days, and doesn't plan on getting in her way.
I really like the mutual respect between these two, and the little Arya-induced smirk between them.
In fact, this whole scene is basically a bunch of old friends, and foes, on different sides of a war coming together. They're glad to see each other, they wish each other well, and yet remain enemies because of some power hungry monarchs. It makes for an interesting perspective. What are any of them really fighting each other for?
Speaking of which, Tyrion takes this opportunity to try and buy Bronn's loyalty. He thinks that his allegience may be shaky, considering how risky it was to set up this offsite meeting.
Bronn disagrees. From his perspective, he delivered two traitors heads to Cersei, both of which she is willing to pay for.
It's hard to argue with that logic.
Tyrion seems to have missed old mate's pragmatism, and says so. Aww, bros.
Meanwhile, The Hound threatens to murder anyone who opens his secret crate. Seriously, stop flogging this dead zombie. We know it's there, okay?
The Posse walk into what is essentially a low-key Colosseum. Three separate seating areas have been arranged just in case anyone missed that they're all enemies.
Bronn and Pod go off to have a drink, because fuck Question Time. Everyone else looks around in a paranoid fashion and wonder if this is going to be the Sept 2.0. The episode's been running low on C-bombs, so Tyrion and the Hound exchange a few to keep the quota up.
Cersei and her crew enter the arena. So much eyeballing ensues. The Hound takes this opportunity to call his brother ugly and tell him that they both know who is coming for him. WHO? Am I forgetting something? Someone please enlighten me.
Cersei is annoyed at Dany's tardiness.
To nobody's surprise she arrives on Drogon, who proceeds to wreck the joint and doesn't even care if it's heritage listed.
This is all such a power move, I love it.
Tyrion tries to get this party started, but Euron pulls a Kanye to torment Theon and be prejudiced against dwarves.
Taylor Cersei tells him to sit the fuck down.
Tyrion gets back on track, explaining how they all hate each other and have done their fair share of murdering. Cersei gets impatient immediately and wants to know why they're meeting.
Jon tags in to bring up the army of the dead. Did you know he's seen it with his own eyes? Cersei cracks a joke about the people of King's Landing being better off as undead, because she's a garbage ruler. Also, she doesn't believe in any of this, thinking it's probably a ruse to get her to stand down. It's a fair assumption, TBH.
It's a good thing they have evidence! The Hound carries the crate in and eventually manages to open it. Nothing really happens though, because we need to build tension. He has a solution though.
Of course the zombie flips out and runs at Cersei, but is stopped right before it gets to her thanks to a conveniently well measured chain.
The Hound blasts it in half with his sword, but it keeps crawling around, proving their point.
Qyburn picks up one of the arms and seems super into it. Even after Jon burns it he looks a little too excited. This guy is a freak, y'all.
Cue Jon talking about how this is the only war that matters and Dany claiming she didn't believe it at first either.
Jaime seems to have come around, asking how many undead there are. Euron wants to know if they can swim and is psyched to hear they can't.
In classic Greyjoy style he decides to bugger off to his islands, and suggests that Dany do the same. They'll be the only ones left alive once winter is over. Dany swipes left in her mind.
And with that, he's all, "Bye Felicia."
Cersei decides to accept the truce and help fight, which I don't believe for a second, but sure let's humour this for now. Her one caveat is that Jon stays in the north and not take sides. Dany breaks out the, "What about me, it isn't fair."
Cersei is all, "Lol no, I don't trust you. But I do believe in Ned Stark's son because he is also
a gullible idiot honourable like his father.
As it turns out, Jon is just as much of a dickhead as Ned. He chooses this moment to reveal that he pledges allegiance to Dany, soz. Unsurprisingly, Cersei retracts her offer, especially because the north will fall first. She'll figure out the rest later. Classic Cersei.
Everyone's faces at this point register "FFFFUUUUUUUU."
Brienne tries to appeal to Jaime on their way out, literally saying "fuck loyalty." This seems to offend Jaime, who is all about loyalty.
We'll just ignore that whole Kingslayer thing.
Meanwhile, everyone in Dany's posse is pissed at Jon and wish he knew how to lie, just a bit. Tyrion decides they're fucked and insists on talking to his sister, even though it means almost-certain death.
Cut to The Mountain escorting him to the queen's chambers. Jaime meets him outside.
Their conversation boils down to them both agreeing that they're idiots and part on relatively decent terms. Cool story, bros. It's pretty sad that at this point they assume their sister will just straight up murder him.
I really hope that the cracks in Cersei and Jaime continue. He seems pretty disillusioned with her at this point.
Cersei's room is dark and ominous. She throws some shade at Tyrion for siding with a "foreign whore," because of course she does.
She lets loose about Tyrion always trying to destroy their family and he's personally responsible for the death of basically everyone. Tyrion tries to defend himself, saying he has advised Dany against killing them and that their dad was a real dick to him.
He also uses this very dire conversation to land a subtle, but sick burn on Joffrey, saying that if it wasn't for him (Tyrion), Cersei would have had two beautiful children. Savage.
Cersei doesn't care. He tells her just to kill him then, because screw this noise. He yells at Cersei to give the word to the Mountain. For a moment, the look on her face is like all of her Christmases came at once. But in the end she can't do it, and looks rather disgusted with herself.
Tyrion pours himself a drink, and one for his sister. He reminds her that she knows how much he loved her children, besides Joffrey I assume. She DGAF about his feelings cause his actions cost them their future.
They talk about what's so great about Dany anyway, as well as Cersei not caring about the world. Again, such a good ruler.
She reminisces back to 2 minutes ago when that zombie came at her. All she cared about in that moment was protecting her family.
- Tyrion -- "Tou must be pregnant because you don't like anyone else anymore."
- Cersei -- "... shit.
- Audience -- Haha, TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN."
Outside, Jon and Dany chat about how the Dragon pit was the beginning of the end for the Targaryens. The dragons wasting away meant they became just like everyone else.
"You're not like everyone else," says
predictable fuccboi Jon.
For the 30th time this season Dany brings up now being able to have kids. Jon quite rightly asks what proof she has of this.
- Dany -- "Some crazy witch woman said so."
- Jon -- "She sounds trustworthy."
- Every Viewer -- "INB4 incest baby next season."
Tyrion and Cersei return. The latter totally promises to march north with everyone else. For real guys. Yes. Definitely.
Over in Winterfell, Sansa is annoyed that Jon bent the knee to Dany without consulting her. Littlefinger is happy to stoke her paranoia, citing how hot Dany allegedly is and that Jon probably wants to ride that dragon. Also something about an unstoppable alliance.
In a bold move, Littlefinger suggests that Jon could be unnamed as King, and Sansa is into it, although Arya would probably try to kill her because Faceless Man.
He introduces her to a game he plays to deduce motives. it involves assuming the worst in everyone, because that's healthy. He gets her to apply it to Arya and the result is her murdering Sansa so she can become Lady of Winterfell.
Sansa looks both convinced and freaked out.
Dany must have a fast travel campfire at Dragonstone, because the posse are already back there. Yes, I'm still mad about all the stupid travel times this season.
The team talk strategy and decide it's best for Dany to arrive at Winterfell with Jon, to show a united front. It has nothing to do with sharing close quarters on a ship. Nope.
SnowStorm Fans -- "IT'S HAPPENING!"
In the throne room, Theon corners Jon to talk about honesty, and how he was always lawful good, even as kids. Jon promises that he has definitely done things he regrets.
- Theon -- "Not compared to me."
- Jon -- "No, not compared to you."
Theon feels caught between being a Greyjoy and a Stark. After a long winded talk about Ned, Jon says that Theon is both. Also, he'll try to forgive him for being a right bastard and whatnot.
Theon cries and laments over Yara needing him. Jon wonders why he's still in this conversation.
Down on the beach, Theon approaches the Greyjoy men, and tries to rally them to save Yara. They refuse and he ends up punching on with the leader, who proceeds to beat the hell out of him.
Theon eventually gets the upper hand when old mate tries to kick him in his non-existent dick. All the remaining dudes are into the rescue mission and head off on their side quest.
In Winterfell, Sansa stands pensively on a wall in a coat she is, frankly, slaying. She asks a random guard to have her sister brought to the great hall.
Inside, she sits next to Bran. Arya is brought in, looking around in a worried fashion. Littlefinger can barely contain his smirk.
Christ I hope that the rumours are true and that this is a ruse against him. Arya asks if Sansa definitely wants to do this. Sansa is absolutely down, because she has to protect her family and the North.
"You stand accused of murder. You stand accused of treason. How do you answer these charges... Lord Baelish."
Littlefinger looks super shocked and it's the best.
Sansa goes through a chunk of the stuff he's done, including murdering their Lysa and Jon Arran, causing the conflict with the Lannisters and getting Ned murdered. He tries denying it all, minus the whole Moon Door incident, declaring that no one was there to see what really happened with Ned.
Three-Eyed Bran -- "Um, hi."
Littlefinger really starts scrambling at this point, begging to speak to Sansa alone, saying he always tried to protect her. Sansa quotes his game back to him like a god damn queen. She says he turned their mum and Lysa against one another, and tried to do the same with her and Arya.
He demands one of the lords escort him safely back to the Eyrie, but gets a "Nah lad" response.
He starts gets on his knees and cries about loving Catelyn and Sansa, even though he betrayed them pretty hardcore. Sansa quotes him again, saying there is no justice in the world unless [they] make it. And then thanks him for the lessons he taught her.
Arya walks over and slashes his throat with the valerian steel dagger, bleeding out on the floor as everyone watches on.
There were rumours flying around that this execution was coming. But still, god damn.
I still think it makes little sense that so much of Sansa and Arya's faux-feud was carried out when they were alone. One could argue that Littlefinger's spies could have been watching or listening at anytime, but it's still a bit weak.
Regardless, this scene was still intense and had me both on the edge of my seat and gasping audibly in the office. I'm also relieved that Sansa and Arya hadn't been indulging in full blown revertigo this whole time.
There's a nice poetic justice in Littlefinger's demise. He was the one responsible for setting the entire series in motion. But he really wasn't an integral part of anything at this point. And unless Robin Arryn decides to try get revenge, I can't see there being any real fallout.
Littlefinger always wanted to be someone important and influential. In the end, he died an inconsequential death.
Back to Cersei's map atrium, Jaime talks strategy for heading north. Cersei calls Jaime the stupidest Lannister and a traitor for believing that she was really going to help their enemies.
He looks flabbergasted, because they saw an actual zombie and what the hell is she playing at. She's pretty chill to let everyone else deal with it and die while she has her kid. Also, they'll take their land back in the meantime. Yeah, the thing she accused Dany trying to do.
Jaime rightfully thinks this is dumb. Either the dead will come for them, or the people they're betraying. But that's okay, cause Cersei is going to throw money at the problem.
As it turns out, she has bought The Golden Company with Iron Bank cash and Euron has gone off to get them. Yeah, he was faking running away.
Jaime is going to honour his pledge and Cersei cries treason again. She doesn't really need him anymore cause she has baby on the way. For a moment it seems like she will order the Mountain to kill him, and much like his brother before him, he dares Cersei to give the word. But she doesn't.
Jaime looks betrayed and sad.
In the very next scene we see him riding away from King's Landing. He looks around, as if it's for the last time, and he's probably right.
It starts snowing, because winter has finally arrived. Not just physically, but metaphorically. The sun has finally set across Westeros, and on one of the strongest relationships in the series -- the Lannister twins. And only darkness lies ahead for them.
As much as Littlefinger is responsible for chaos across the land, so is their romance. Joffrey's succession wouldn't have been called into question by the Baratheon brothers if people didn't suspect incest. Dany was still years away from coming home, but Westeros was already a country at war.
And now their relationship is broken and Littlefinger is dead. Yet the mess they created remains.
Back in Winterfell, Sam arrives and goes to see Bran. The latter remembers him because, you guessed it, he remembers everything. He explains about becoming the Three-Eyed Raven and Sam nods, making one of those humouring sounds you use on a 5 year old when they say something ridiculous.
He reiterates that he sees everything, but asks why Sam is there. Okay, sure. Bran reveals that Jon is coming home with Dany. Sam looks impressed and asks if he saw this in a vision. Bran hands him a scroll. It's pretty funny.
Three-Eyed Bran reveals Jon's parents, and in no surprise to anyone, it's Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen. Also, he was born in Dorne so his last name should be Sand.
Sam magically remembers Gilly's revelation from last week, that Rhaegar had his marriage annulled so he could pledge himself to someone else. Bran flashes back and sees it all.
At this point we start cutting between the revelation and Jon going to see Dany in her ship cabin. With Tyrion watching.
In another flashback, we finally hear Lyanna's final words to Ned -- that her baby's names is Aegon Targaryen. Of course, Bran saw this flashback last season. I guess we'll ignore that he would have heard what she said then too?
Meanwhile, Jon and Dany are getting it on in real time. She's probably already pregnant.
Bran announces what we already know, Jon is the heir to the Iron Throne and he needs to know. More banging and Tyrion outside the door, because it's been awhile for him.
The fact that they're having sex on a ship seems way too on the nose to not be intentional.
The. Ship. Is. Literally. Sailing.
All the SnowStorm fans in the world are celebrating and creating GIFs immediately.
Apparently we needed something to calm the hype train, so cut to Sansa and Arya chatting about Littlefinger and how Sansa is the Lady of Winterfell. The latter wonders if that bothers her.
Arya says she was never really going to be a lady, she she became something else. They exchange niceities about how strong each other are, as well as a bit of sisterly teasing. It's nice, and the kind of personal growth I had been hoping for these two characters.
They both drop some Ned quotes; it's a nice moment. In the Godswood, Three-Eyed Bran is tripping balls as usual, and spies on Eastwatch.
Tormund and Beric look out at the woods beyond the wall while shooting the shit. I'm sure this will all end fine.
In yet another predictable (and admittedly rumoured) plot twist, here come the undead, with the Night King riding a giant ice dragon.
What ensues is a lot of blue flames being spewed at the wall and our boys running for their lives. I honestly don't think they made it. We don't see them escape and there's a lot of destruction going on.
I swear to God if I find out that Tormund got served an off-screen death I will write some very strongly worded tweets. That'll show 'em.
The wall crumbles and the army of the dead start making their way into Westeros, with Old Man Winter leading the charge on his dragon.
I'm interested to see how the timeline pans out next season. The Night King can fly about icing out whoever he wants before the southern armies have time to do anything.
I also wonder what his end game is. Let's say he wins and everyone in Westeros is turned into a zombie. Then what? Does he retire to a castle to raise a family of frosty children? Will his Ice Wife bug him to get a real job and ask what happen to the man she married?
Sorry, I got a bit side tracked there.
So that's a wrap to season 7, and I have a lot of questions regarding next year. Will Dany and Jon care that they're related? How soon until we find out that she's pregnant? What role will Jaime play in the war without a Lannister army behind him? And in general, what in the hell is going to happen?
They only have 6 episodes left to play with, and even though there are talks that they may be supersized episodes, that's not a lot of time left.
In the meantime, there is a heap to unpack from this episode alone. Feel free to unload all of your thoughts and theories below! And if there are any other upcoming shows *cough* Westworld *cough* that you would like us to do recaps for, let us know!
I'm calling it -- this is the most important episode of the season thus far. Find out why!
That's enough violence, flirting and scheming for one day. It’s time to stop thinking and start driving. Book your Mustang test drive today.