With Game of Thrones doing its best to wrap everything up in its last seasons, we may have seen the last of Hot Pie, the jovial, rotund baker that melted our hearts with his love of all things pastry. But for a moment, let’s imagine a Westeros where Hot Pie didn’t take up baking and instead took up his rightful place on the Iron Throne.
There seems to be only a few reasonable choices for who will ultimately sit on the Iron Throne this late in the Game, but I think it’s important to note that, at any time, the entire show can be turned upside down. Just look at what happened last week, when Euron destroyed his niece’s fleet, killed two Sand Snakes and sailed off in the moonlight with a few prisoners. Which means we have to ask the question:
Is there still a chance Hot Pie could take the Iron Throne?
Well, of course. Mr. Pie, or Hot Pie to his friends, is one of Westeros’ most able everyman. When we first meet him and his wonderfully-named friend Lommy Greenhands back in Season 1, Hot Pie tells Arya that he knocked a boy down and kicked him in the balls AND he kept kicking him until he was dead. Arya calls his bluff, but I’m in camp Hot Pie here. He could kick a boy to death if he wanted to.
Don’t forget: Hot Pie is to baking as Podrick is to fornication or Jorah is to pining over Dany. He is a Master of his Craft and shows dedication to his duties. When he gets sold by the Brotherhood without Banners to an innkeep, it’s not just because the Brotherhood love a little gold. It’s because he’s just baked the best brown bread that ever existed in Westeros. One bite of this bread and the innkeep couldn’t let him go. Can you imagine having that kind of power in the kitchen?
You can’t. Because you’re not Hot Pie.
Then there’s Hot Pie’s downright scary accumulation of knowledge. As a baker in the inn, he amasses the kind of knowledge that would rival Varys’ little birds. He knows where Arya’s headed when Brienne and Podrick stumble through, he knows that Jon Snow’s the King in the North when Arya stumbles through, he knows that the Sept of Baelor is blown to smithereens and you best believe he knows what makes a kidney pie.
Look, sure, he pissed his pants in fear once, but who wouldn’t, staring down the Mountain and death by rat-boring-through-your-chest.
Just last week, Ben Hawkey, who plays Hot Pie began delivering direwolf-shaped shortbread to anyone that hit him up on Deliveroo in the real world. Hot Pie knows what the people want and he knows how to get it to them. He has transcended Game of Thrones stardom like no-one before him.
That’s the true mark of a King and I’m ready for Hot Pie to take the Iron Throne.
Look inside yourself. I know you believe it.
There’s a Hot Pie in each and every one of us.