Silicon Valley's Hottest Overpriced Juicer Apparently Works Worse Than Your Bare Hands

Remember Juicero? It was the darling of glass-eyed Silicon Valley investors just a year ago. But it turns out the the $US400 ($534) juice-making gadget is very literally useless. You can actually just buy the juice packets and squeeze the goods into your glass with your bare hands, no gadget required.

If you're one of the poor souls who paid for this overpriced piece of counter candy, let us be the first to say: You deserve this pain. Juicero made headlines last year by promising fresh green juice with the convenience of a Keurig coffeemaker. It never seemed like a good deal.

Here's the pitch. You buy the juicer machine. You buy the pouches with the juice goodies. Combine the two, and you have a glass of delicious green juice. By the way, the machine costs $US400 ($534). Pouches of juice ingredients cost $US5 to $US7 ($7 to $9) dollars a pop. And yet, according to a new report from Bloomberg, you could make your yuppie juice more quickly if you threw the machine out the window and hand-squeezed the bag into your glass. Hand-squeezing apparently takes about 90 seconds. The machine takes two minutes.

This news is a real dick punch to the Silicon Valley investors who poured over $US120 million ($160 million) into Juicero. These sad souls put up their own cash, believing that people would love the idea of a Keurig-style home juice machine. Little did they know that people could just buy the pouches and squeeze their own juice, no $US400 ($534) machine required.

Then again, something always seemed a bit off about Juicero. Back when the company's founders wanted to charge an insulting $US700 ($934) for the useless machine in 2016, much lauded VC outfits like Kleiner Perkins Claufield & Byers, Google Ventures and even Campbell's Soup offered up millions of dollars to fund the startup. Juicero founder Doug Evans compared the company to Apple and Tesla in their early days. By October, Evans had been replaced by former Coca Cola executive Jeff Dunn who immediately lowered the price of the hardware from $US700 ($934) to $US400 ($534). This is what Dunn said about the hardware a year ago, emphasis ours:

The Press itself creates three to four tons of pressure -- enough to lift two Teslas -- and enough to squeeze out every drop of organic fresh kale, spinach, apples, and other fruits and vegetables into your glass. We also created a connected system with the Juicero App.

Hey, guess what, dudes? It's worthless. Juicero seemed like a trick from the start because it was. Now we have hard proof. You don't need to buy a machine for $US700 ($934) or $US400 ($534) or even $100, because you can just buy the already overpriced juice packets for $US5 ($7) and squeeze the ingredients into a glass with the priceless power of your own hands. You could also spend $30 on a cheap blender, $15 on some fresh fruits and vegetables, and serve yourself green juice for a whole week.

Convenience is great, but it's no substitute for smart financial decisions. Whether you're an investor or just a lowly consumer, Juicero is a bad deal. The idea is bad. The gadget is useless. The juice might be good. But everyone should use common sense before throwing money at a bad idea.



    I don't understand how this was ever a thing. The point of a juicer is to juice what you put in it. If the only thing you can put in it are bags of juice, what the fuck is the point of the juicer?

      Nah there's solid bits of 'fresh' greenery in the bags. But yeah ridiculous idea...

        So it's only mostly-juiced stuff in the bags then? It sounds like it's at least partly juiced or you wouldn't be able to squeeze it out yourself.

        The fact they're asking for $400 for a juicer that only accepts their premade packets and won't let you juice anything you want just sounds so stupid is all, I don't understand how investors could possibly have looked at that and thought "yeah that's worth throwing money at".

          I'm with you. This seems like a completely ridiculous idea that sits halfway between a real juicer and buying premade juice. With none of the advantages of either. Mindboggling.

        Healthy bits of stuff to juice in a nice big plastic bag, how epically great of them to be able to convince people it was an excellent idea!

      You just don't get it, their video explains everything:

        Wow. I think that video actually killed some of my brain cells. The whole "holy shit guys did you know that there's this thing called 'plants' and that they totally grow and stuff?" beginning to the unnecessarily smug "check out this thing we invented that is the same thing that's been around since the 1930s but it's better because we decided to make it do less and cost more, god we're so smart" ending. What a mess.

    Wait, what the hell is the "juicing" part of a juicer which dispenses prepacked juice?! JUST BUY JUICE!

    This is idiotic, and yet further proof that the VC industry is a pack of clowns.

      Nah there's solid bits of 'fresh' greenery in the bags

    Even if this machine cost $20 I wouldn't buy it - the whole idea of a juicer is to make fresh juice from real fruit. Completely different concept to a coffee machine.

    What kind of society do we live in now where this product actually gains traction in the first place? 'Fresh' juice from plastic bags? Pfff.... pa-lease.

      Now, if they could come up with coffee pod sized concentrate pods that then forced chilled water through them and reconstituted the juice into 300mls of goodness, they could've been on to something.

    Hey, billionaires need juice and now, where the fuck are they supposed to go?

    Wait, is this the same company that designed the $1200 toilet paper roll holder?

    I think it is!

    A better idea would be to burn hundred-dollar bills for heat, in the wintertime.

    After all, the companies that funded this abortion have lots of cash to burn!

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