Juicero: The Story So Far

Image: Juicero

For those that came in late, here's the lowdown on one of Silicon Valley's stupidest innovations to date. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll never look at juice the same again.

One Year Ago: Juicero Launches Its $900 Juice-In-A-Bag Squeezer

A juicer. But not any normal juicer. No, this doesn't juice fruit. It juices bags of fruit that have already been juiced. By, um, squeezing them a bit.

The $900 Juicer Keeping Silicon Valley Regular

'.Juicero — billed as a Keurig for fresh juice — is the talk of the Valley. The company launched today after raising $US120 million. It also looks like a Nest Protect that poops juice..'

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Two Weeks Later: We Question The Wisdom Of The Whole Thing

This is how you disrupt juice, ladies and gentlemen. Except, in reality, the story of Juicero's rise is the story of everything wrong with pointless Silicon Valley startups.

The Juice Revolution Is Bullshit

'.The latest startup to "catch Silicon Valley's eye" is a company called Juicero that's selling, essentially, a $900 Nespresso for organic cold-pressed juice. Even though it offers the kind of overpriced, niche gizmo you'd find in a Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue, the company is flush with $US120 million in investment capital. Silicon Valley giants are betting on its success..'

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A Week Ago: Turns Out That Your Hands Actually Do A Better Job

At this point, the Juicero costs $US400 — about $550 — but that doesn't change the fact that good ol' fashioned hard work is free but for the sweat of your brow.

Silicon Valley's Hottest Overpriced Juicer Apparently Works Worse Than Your Bare Hands

'.Remember Juicero? It was the darling of glass-eyed Silicon Valley investors just a year ago. But it turns out the the $US400 ($534) juice-making gadget is very literally useless. You can actually just buy the juice packets and squeeze the goods into your glass with your bare hands, no gadget required..'

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The Present Day: Big Juice Is In Damage Control Over, Y'know, Pulp

Citizen, place the bag into the Juicero. Do not attempt to squeeze the bag. Do not cut the bag. Stay away from the bag. Do not make eye contact with the bag.

Juicero CEO Begs You: Do NOT Open Our Juice Bags [Updated]

'.This week saw the latest chapter in the utterly wonderful saga of Juicero, the $US400 juice machine maker that attracted $US120 million in venture capital funding. On Wednesday, a bombshell Bloomberg report exposed the secret that threatened to ruin the company. You can get almost exactly the same juice without the company's expensive press by squeezing their damn bags yourself with the hands God gave you..'

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