Cars don’t have to make sense to everyone, but at some point they have to make sense to at least someone.
Last week, I asked you to find the best examples of automotive pointlessness on eBay, and it turns out you all have way more free time than I had ever imagined. Consider my expectations thoroughly exceeded.
10. 2006 Ford F-650 Party Bus
What’s more pointless than a pickup truck with a bed too tall to be usable with hilariously bad fuel economy? That same truck, with a 4.57m extension welded in the middle to convert it into the world’s most worthless party bus.
I bet it’s a hoot to get guests hammered, then expect them to manage a three foot drop in the dark without them requiring surgery afterwards. You can’t un-see this thing.
(Suggested by BenLikesCars)
9. 1996 Suzuki X90
Take all the crap parts from your other crap cars and put them in a mini SUV that has no ability to fulfil the definition of sport or utility. It’s has a rad graphic package on the exterior and interior of the doors, which helps you overlook the 15sec 0-60 time, or the 1000lb (if you’re lucky) tow rating. It may be a death trap, it may be slow, but it’s got one thing going for it. A removable roof! Well, not the whole roof, just, like a targa top.
It is indeed a “vehicle”, it succeeds there, but no more than a golf cart which I can put a licence plate on. This vehicle is pointless, but the removable top was likely one of the only things anyone had to “Engineer” so I’m sure the upside is all 7000 that they sold we’re almost alllllll profit baby!
(Suggested by UTJMAC)
8. 2002 Lincoln Blackwood
This Lincoln Blackwood was the pickup truck produced for about five minutes before Lincoln realised that luxury pickups probably shouldn’t include things as dumb as a carpeted beds and barn door tailgates.
For some reason, it’s still priced higher than a comparable Navigator of the same vintage, with less usability. What a waste.
(Suggested by TeXWD)
7. 1989 Chrysler TC by Maserati
You’ll spend more time explaining “no, it’s not a Chrysler LeBaron” than you ever wanted to, at least if anyone thinks to ask. For $US8,000 ($10,413) you get a 30-year-old K car wearing a name tag that says “Maserati,” with an engine that “smokes a little bit.”
It’s not rare enough to be interesting, not good enough to be fun, and not even quirky enough to be hipster bait. And since it’s not really a LeBaron either, you can’t even make Jon Voight jokes!
(Suggested by curbwatching)
6. 2007 Mercedes-Benz R63 AMG
This Mercedes-Benz R63 AMG is what happens when drunk German engineers decide that the Dodge Caravan needs to stop talking so much shit.
It has a 500 horsepower 6.2-litre V8 in a hearse-like body with none of the actual minivan staples, like sliding doors or reasonable fuel economy, that wouldn’t prompt a second mortgage. It’s insane for what it is, but who the hell thought this was a good idea?
(Suggested by Fox)
5. 2011 Honda CR-Z
It could be any CR-Z, but we have to pick one, and this is one, so here it is.
It’s a hybrid, but it doesn’t get particularly good mileage. It looks like a sports car, but it’s not fast or fun. It’s a hatchback, but there’s not much storage space. It’s a two-seater, but no one is going to want to ride with you.
Oh, and it’s got a CVT for a transmission, just to wring out any dregs of joy that might remain. What’s it for? Nobody knows.
(Suggested by curbwatching)
4. 2003 Hummer H2 Custom SEMA Build
The Hummer H2 wasn’t a particularly purposeful car to begin with, but even a somewhat capable SUV becomes a undrivable mess when you give it a massive lift, wheels that can’t go offroad, and an accident history along with tons of one-off, irreplaceable parts.
Donate it to charity and claim it as a tax write off for the shop, that’s as good as it’s going to get with this thing.
(Suggested by sm70- why not Duesenberg?)
3. 2016 BMW X6
Yours for only $US70,000 ($91,110), used.
BMW have one or two cars in each of their series that are worth buying. Into those series they have crow-barred lifted coupes, lifted sedans, coupes that aren’t coupes, crossovers, coupe crossovers, lifted coupe crossovers…
Who buys this stuff? It’s not as if it’s cheap either.
BMW is becoming the go-to manufacturer of cars no one needs, cars that serve little practical purpose, but marketed to people who have too much money and not enough sense.
(Suggested by Magnox)
2. 2007 Cadillac Escalade EXT
This Cadillac Escalade EXT, much like Lincoln’s Blackwood, is the lipstick-on-a-pig version of the Chevy Avalanche, and it betrayed everything that made the Escalade tolerable. I’ll let curbwatching explain:
A Cadillac Escalade pickup. You’ll never use it to haul things because the pearl white paint might get smudged, and the bed’s too tiny to carry anything good anyway.
You don’t get the interior space or extra seats of an SUV. It’s not a status symbol, because it’s old and (relatively) cheap now, and it’s not tough-looking (for people who like that) or cute (for people who like that).
It’s the automotive equivalent of the “mermaids” 19th-century carnivals made by sewing together a fish and a monkey. You can see what they were going for, but it’s pointless, kind of disturbing, and it’s not fooling anybody.
(Suggested by curbwatching)
1. 2015 Jeep Wrangler Custom SEMA Build
The Jeep Wrangler itself is pretty utilitarian, it’s the rugged vehicle that you’d love to have whenever things get hairy. However, when you add a bunch of needless flares and off-road trinkets when you know that the car will never, ever go off-road, that just makes whoever is driving it a compliment-seeking poseur.
This Wrangler, priced at more than six figures, still has the stock 3.6-litre engine, which probably likes those gaudy, heavy-arse gold dubs even less than you do. This is a bad idea from start to finish.
(Suggested by El Rocko)