From One Bugatti Owner To All Bentley Owners: Sorry You’re Poor

From One Bugatti Owner To All Bentley Owners: Sorry You’re Poor

My fellow Bugatti owners, it has come to my attention that there is some egregious confusion afoot: People are actually confusing us for Bentley owners. I know. It’s something that I’ve long suspected, what with the cars both having four wheels, an engine, a name beginning with the letter “B” and Volkswagen ownership. But the clearest example of this came to a head when I was approached by a little boy as I was leaving the valet car park.

“Look, Daddy!” he cried, tugging at his father’s hand and pointing at my Veyron. “A Bentley!”

“No, buddy, that’s a Bugatti,” his father corrected him cheerfully, bending to adjust the socks he wore under his Tevas. “But they’re pretty much the same thing.”

Pretty much the same thing? I spun on my heel, the sole of my lambskin loafers crunching on the gravel. “No, you fucking peasant,” I responded in a ringing tone. “They are most certainly not the same. You might want to learn the difference before you go on and fill your son’s head with even more idiotic nonsense.”

I stormed away and immediately called Bugatti. “I don’t care what you say!” I bellowed at the simple girl on the other end, the veins bulging out of my hand from gripping my jewel-encrusted 24k gold iPhone. “Just make sure everyone knows there’s a goddamn difference!”

Friends, let me tell you — it worked. The following week at the Automotive News World Conference (a place, I daresay, no lowly Bentley owner would ever find themselves), Wolfgang Dürheimer, CEO of both companies, made an especial effort to set us apart:

He said those exceptionally affluent Bentley buyers frequently own their own businesses. They fly first class, stay in the best rooms at five-star hotels and when attending a football game, whether soccer or American football, watch it from the comfort of their own luxury suite at the stadium.

On average, they have eight cars.

How the fuck do you confuse 64 cars with eight? Idiots, the lot of them.

But contrast that with Bugatti owners. On average, Durheimer said, they own 64 cars, and when they travel, they fly their own jet or helicopter (they typically have three of each).

They stay in hotels they own, and when they take in a football game, he says, they are usually watching a team that they own.

Thank God that’s all good and squared away.

I’m sure all of you, like me, don’t want something like this happening ever again. Therefore, I am appointing myself as the official Bugatti Exclusivity Confirmation Head. Any and all confusion should be reported directly to me, lest the Bentley owners get uppity again. We need to shut that shit down before it gets out of hand.