The Sex-Haver’s Guide To Using The New iPhone Emoji

The Sex-Haver’s Guide To Using The New iPhone Emoji

In the latest iOS 10 update, Apple added hundreds of new and redesigned emoji. The world of the emoji can be difficult to navigate, for sex-havers and virgins alike. Using the incorrect emoji in a message to one of your cooler friends or a potential new lover can leave you humiliated, looking like a fumbling nerd who can’t even send a goddamn text right. So how do you use these new symbols to effortlessly and effectually convey who you are — a person who has definitely had sex before — through the medium of the iMessage?

Do not fear, my fellow sex-havers. Gizmodo is here to guide you every step of the way. We’ve decoded the multitudes of new symbols Apple has given us. Follow these simple rules if you want your text messages to tacitly (or explicitly) announce, “I! Have! Had! Sex! Before!”

USE: Symbols of Strength

These new and redesigned animals each convey different sorts of strength. The eagle is bold, raw, and American, while the dragon head communicates a more intimidating vibe. The shark gives off a sort of ruthless success. The gorilla is strapping and bold, but if you use it to make a Harambe joke, you will look like a total virgin.

USE: Symbols of Virility

Each of these images represents a different aspect of animalistic sexuality. The deer is all about husky confidence. The cow screams “nips!” The lizard represents a more abstract virility, as the secret leader of the world. The ox conveys brute masculine sexuality. The leopard is sleek, fast, seductive. Carefully dispensing these emoji at choice moments during a conversation will erase even the biggest sceptic’s doubts about you being a virgin.

AVOID: Symbols of Toxic Masculinity

These markers of masculine energy are too obvious. Using them will make you look like you’re compensating for something, and god forbid someone thinks that thing is being a virgin.

USE: Women in STEM

Nothing says “I have sex” like being woke enough to acknowledge women in science, technology, engineering and maths.

AVOID: Pregnant Woman

Hey, Apple, true gender equality would be giving us a pregnant man emoji as well.

USE (SPARINGLY): Symbols of Virginity

Use the drooling face and the juggling people to make fun of other people you suspect are virgins. Don’t go too overboard though: Everyone knows a real sex-haver is too busy doing sex to worry about virgins.

AVOID: Symbol of Filth and Greed

You’re no rat. You’re a clean-cut sex-having individual. The world should know.

USE: The New Sex Emoji

Each of these emoji softly coo, “I am ready, willing, and able to have sex — which is an activity I have done before.”

USE: Bronze Medal

The bronze medal allows you to dole out playful, clever owns to all your texting buddies. Someone sends you a joke that has you go “meh” with a twinge of “lol”? Send ’em the bronze medal.

USE: Baguette

But only when you’re horny in a European sort of way.

USE (SPARINGLY): Policewoman

You can utilise the policewoman emoji as a gender-inclusive way to express your views about the police. Here’s the sex-haver’s way to say “fuck cops”:

If you’re a Blue Lives Matter person, you’ll probably feel more inclined to use this instead:

USE (LIBERALLY): Symbols of the Surveillance State

We’re being watched by our government — there’s nothing less virginal than being aware of the imminent threat this poses to our liberty.