Over the past 48 hours, compelling evidence has emerged that a long-anticipated End Times is finally upon us. Let’s have a look.
Exhibit A: Baton Rouge, Louisiana
More than 1000 people were rescued by boat or helicopter in southeastern Louisiana on Friday and Saturday, as “unprecedented, historic” flooding drowned neighbourhoods from Baton Rouge to Livingston. Numerous rivers in Louisiana and Mississippi continue to spill over after an extremely low-pressure air mass dumped as much as 43cm of rain in 24 hours. The Associated Press reports two fatalities so far.
According to one Baker resident — who had to abandon her home and slog to safety through biblical flood waters whilst a police officer carried her six year-old daughter — the snakes are out in force.
Exhibit B: Washington, DC
— Capital Weather Gang (@capitalweather) August 13, 2016
Exhibit C: Central California
The Soberness wildfire continues to rage through central California, topping 70,000 acres in size on Friday. The fire, which began in late July when some arsehat lit an illegal campfire in Garrapata State Park, is proving especially difficult to fight as it eats its way through steep, rugged terrain in Carmel Valley and Monterey Peninsula. It could engulf over 150,000 acres by the end of August.
Exhibit D: That Fucking Pool In Rio
After promising us it was algae, reneging on that story and blaming hydrogen peroxide, then today suggesting it may be a mix of algae and hydrogen peroxide, Olympic organisers still can’t seem to figure out how to restore a neon-green diving pool to its proper colour. The embarrassing week-long saga will hopefully end tonight, after the pool is drained and refilled with unadulterated water.
Olympic pool now must be drained of green water due to visibility concerns https://t.co/khL9iU6eVN
— Post Sports (@PostSports) August 13, 2016
Unless, of course, tens of thousands of Olympic protesters decide to urinate in the pool tomorrow morning.
Anything I miss?