"Did someone send you a fancy crack pipe?"
It was Friday, it was not a reasonable drinking hour, and I was opening a package in the office containing two oblong objects that looked suspicious, like dandy narcotic catheters.
I explained to my coworker that I had not, strictly speaking, brought upscale drug paraphernalia into our workplace. (Not this time!!!) Instead, I had broken my vow to stop accumulating novelty products, and I had requested a gag barware accessory for testing, because I have the body of an adult woman and the soul of Spencer's Gifts.
"It's a Chambong!" I said, holding it up to the light, like Rafiki cradling baby Simba — tenderly, with pride, for all to see. It was pretty for such a stupid object — a borosilicate glass champagne flute with a small pipe attached for chugging premium sparkling adult beverages.
"Fancy crack pipe" wasn't a terrible guess. The Chambong was designed for smoking drugs, just not crack cocaine. The creators tried to make an extra-large weed bowl, but their first prototype "wasn't functional as a smoking apparatus," according to the Chambong website. It was functional as a way to consume a large amount of champagne in a short period of time, though.
Later that day — blogs blogged, more affordable champagne equivalent (Lambrusco) pilfered — I tested the Chambongs with my coworkers. Dear readers, it worked: The Lambrusco went from the flute to my throat in record time.
Was it pleasant? No, not really. Does it also work if you swap beer for sparkling wine? Yes, very much so, although pouring beer into a four-ounce flute requires a lightness of touch that few in this office possess.
Former Gizmodo staffer and current Deadspin regression champion Kyle Wagner tested the less conventional choice of Chambong liquid:
Chambong testing is best in circumstances where you do not mind spills. And swift drunkenness.
My only real complaint about the Chambong is this absurd section of its disclaimer:
(j) Under no circumstances will any person other than the user control the rate at which beverages are dispensed from the Chambong. The user will have full control of their consumption from the Chambong
As a now-seasoned Bonger, I can tell you with confidence that it is NOT easy to drink from a Chambong solo, and it seems unlikely that most people will solo 'bong. Unlikely, but probably necessary to include in the disclaimer for legal reasons.
The Chambong is dishwasher friendly and, again, very stupid. I highly recommend it.
GIF: Andrew Liszewski