I am air-quoting so hard right now I could air-quote in the Olympics for Australia and walk away with all the goddamn medals. Why? Because this, ladies and gentlemen, is hardcore garbage that needs to be in the biggest, smelliest bin you can find. Meet the “Pick Up Girls SmartWatch”: a product that, if you wear it, promises to help you get laid while simultaneously being a massive fucking creep.
The Pick Up Girls Smartwatch (fuck it, I’m calling it the CreepWatch from now on) is currently looking for $10,000 in funding on Indiegogo (because of course it is).
It’s a normal-looking smartwatch that “promises” (lol) to help you become less shy and be better at picking up girls.
So how does it do that? Through subliminal hypnosis! Der.
Truthfully, the creepy crowdfunding description explains it best:
Remember the movie, The Matrix, where the hero downloads fighting skills into his brain?. Imagine if you could be instantly successful at meeting girls and charming them. Well the future is here now and you can be wearing it on your wrist.
Listen to your favorite music while you program your brain. The Pick Up Girls SmartWatch is designed to play subliminal messages that your ear cannot hear but your brain does (below 20Hz).
The Pick Up Girls SmartWatch has been designed and programmed by our engineers to play two sound tracks simultaneously, your downloaded music and the pre-programmed pick up girls subliminal and hypnosis messages.
Listening everyday gets your mind focused and integrating the subliminal messages and Brainwave sound frequencies. Included are deep meditation frequencies that Tibetan monks reach.
So you can be the Neo of lame pick-up artists fuckwits? Awesome.
The product page says that it will teach you how to build your confidence while letting go of shyness, and will also allow you to become a natural flirt, free of inhibitions, and one who is comfortable speaking with girls.
So after you’ve hypnotised yourself with subliminal bullshit, you’re ready to go out on the town and mack on some babezzzz. The CreepWatch allows you to be massively creepy in front of women to help you “get her phone number easily”. Ew.
Eyecatching watchfaces that help you deliver the best pick up lines. They get girl’s attention and melts their hearts. It makes it easy to start conversations with beautiful girls.
On one of our watchfaces there are beautiful roses so you can show your watch to a girl and say: “I got these flowers for you”. Every girl likes to get flowers.
We also have a watchface of a cute kitten so you can say: “Do you want to see my kitten?”
We have included a camera in the face of the watch so you can easily take her picture. And then you say: “Do you want me to send you your picture, give me your cell number”.
For what it’s worth, there’s no evidence of a camera anywhere on the unit from the pictures, nor is there proof of a SIM slot anywhere. Right now it just looks like a whole bunch of crowdfunding crap designed to prey on the shy, the creepy and the stupid.
It costs $US199 to back the smartwatch on Indiegogo, and backer tiers range up to $US50,000 (!!!) and offer you the ability to be a “Founding Member”. Thankfully, the project remains unfunded at the time of writing. Here’s hoping nobody spends a cent.
I’m all for something that helps the painfully shy build their confidence. As a former painfully shy human who still suffers from The Anxiety on a fairly regular basis, a magical cure-all would be lovely, but this is technological snake oil that will do nothing but turn you from a sucker into a douchebag. the CreepWatch belongs in the flowing lava rivers of the volcano from whence it came.