This may be the best explanation for dark matter yet: It's just fucking nitrogen. OK, fine, scientific explanations from The Onion really shouldn't be taken too seriously, but gorramit, it's Saturday morning and we've had plenty of hardcore astronomical science to blow your mind already this week.
"Look, nitrogen is a pretty stable element that's fairly inert, so we're ready to just come out and say that's probably what makes up about 85 per cent of the matter in our universe and finally move on," said Dr. Louis Marshall at a morning press conference, adding that, after spending millions of dollars and countless hours over the past eight decades trying to solve its mysteries, scientists are "completely fucking finished" with the astronomical phenomenon. "It's a nice odourless gas that's plentiful in our atmosphere and our galaxy, and that's good enough for us. So there, we figured it out. Any questions?"
Nope, none whatsoever.