Thanksgiving is the busiest time of year for U.S. air travel, which means it’s the busiest time of year for people who forgot to put their Kindle charger in their carry-on to idly thumb through the best worst in-flight catalogue of all time, SkyMall, while ignoring the emergency safety demonstration.
Hammacher Schlemmer’s kookier cousin really brings it when it comes to bizarre, overpriced garbage gizmos. These are the most useless items you can buy while debating whether to pay for Wi-Fi so you can shop somewhere better during your flight:
It should not cost $US1000 to make your cat unhappy.
Someone looked at a phone charger at some point and thought “I wish this also kept just one of my hands warm.”
Why would someone pay $US16,000 to put only their body and not their head in a sauna pod? Check out that little hand hole for changing the settings. If you are rich enough to buy a $US16,000 sauna pod I’m gonna assume you could hire someone to change the settings for you. I’m also gonna assume you could build a normal sauna in your house, one that also heats your head and doesn’t severely restrict your movements.
Turn your tablet into a cumbersome metal bed spider!
It’s like a tablet, only it’s really boxy and large and less versatile and generally worse.
I thought these were called “Pivenhead Camera Glasses” which made sense in my brain because the I am confident that they are an accessory Mr. Jeremy Piven would embrace. I still suspect he is somehow involved with this project, which admirably corners the market on guys who were considering buying Google Glass but wanted to wait until they came out with an even douchier-looking model that doesn’t connect to the internet.
Wait. Maybe SkyMall is owned by Jeremy Piven? There’s no proof that it’s NOT.
This is a device that just stores your passwords that you use on other devices. You have to enter a password before you can access all your other passwords.
SkyMall is suspiciously silent on whether you should buy a second Password Vault to store the password you need to access your first Password Vault, and whether you would then need a third Password Vault to see the password for your second Password Vault, and also whether existence is a meaningless, looping, and utterly indifferent farce.
If you are living a life where you have no surface on which to rest your beverage so often that buying a laptop beverage holder makes sense, you should probably just buy a desk or a tray, and also change your life.
I don’t get it? Must be a Piven inside joke.
This bed looks like a sterile coffin for failed architecture students and it costs $US10,000.
Stop taking your shoes off in the public bathroom!!!!!!
Now, this is not to say SkyMall is all bad. They have a truly impressive array of wine decanting options. They also offer new parents the Lil’Sushi Newborn Swaddle Blanket & Hat Set, which redeems SkyMall from all past and future transgressions against common sense through the sheer power of whimsy:
If anyone is aware of a truly useless SkyMall product I missed, please, let me know in the comments.