There are four Russian warships heading towards Brisbane, presumably because of Tony Abbott’s schoolyard challenge to Vladimir Putin. In the interest of national security, we thought it best to analyse the four vessels, and calculate their chance of success in any possible conflict.
Russian Navy image via Shutterstock
As a response to Tony Abbott’s comment that he will “shirtfront” Putin, the four warships have been sent just in time to embarrass Abbott during the G20 conference. There’s speculation over whether the warships will hang around international waters outside of Brisbane, or request to dock, as some sort of weird diplomatic taunt.
Of course, we’d all just rather they forgot the BS and carried on with saving the world’s problems, but if our global leaders are intent on a pissing contest, let’s have a little fun with it.
There are 51 ships in the Royal Australian Navy, and they might not be all in Brisbane, but I’m betting we have the numerical advantage. If RPGs have taught me anything, it’s that if you level up enough, you can take on an army.
Let’s leave for a second that stopping boats is kind of this government’s “thing” — the real question is, has Russia chosen its heroic party well enough to take on our aquatic dungeon, and defeat our final boss, Abbottron? Let’s take a look.
Varyag :: Tank
The Cruiser-class Varyag is a bit more of a utility tank, as it can do decent damage, has a bit of crowd control, and most importantly, can take a pounding. You’ll catch this vessel taunting our defence forces from the front line, holding agro while the destroyers do their dirty business. The Varyag is the flagship of the Russian fleet, so it’s spent quite a while grinding reputation, and will likely be calling the raid shots over Ventrilo.
Marshal Shaposhnikov :: Damage Dealer
The Shaposhnikov excels in damage efficiency, and will be careful to not do too much damage at once, but just a nice, consistent stream of pain while floating under the radar. It spends most of its time soloing against Somali pirates, and once notably recaptured a motor vessel from pirate control in 2010, but its gear since that raid is becoming dated and needs to be upgraded.
Boris Butoma :: Druid
As a supply tanker, the Butoma will provide heals while making sure the party has everything else it needs. It’ll keep the other ships topped up, while trying to avoid damage itself. In combat lulls, it will provide everyone with ammo regeneration and Vodka.
Fotiy Krylov :: Priest
This is the Russian fleet’s salvage ship. Should everything go wrong for this brave fellowship, the Krylov will be the one that makes sure there’s a respawn. It’s certainly not here to salvage diplomacy, after all. Johnny On The Spot with the resurrections, is the name of the Krylov’s game. Perhaps it can clean up Abbottron’s evacuated bowels when he sees Russian warships outside of Brisbane. Perhaps ironically, he’ll fall down and grab Putin’s shirt to stabilise himself.
[Images via Wikimedia]