Words are dead. Grammar, syntax, nuance — all pointless when adorable cartoon sea animals can do the dirty work for us. At least, that's the world Emojli, an emoji-only social network, would like to envision. But after spending some time there, I am more than happy with my inanimate letters. For Emojli's future is a dark one, filled with nothing but loneliness and poop.
First, allow me to introduce myself:
It's nice to meet you. That's the name I chose for myself months ago when Emojli's intent and initial signups were first announced. But Dolphin Skull Poop was not my first choice. It took about ten or so tries before I secured a username that wasn't already taken. Apparently, people were excited.
So when the app finally launched a few weeks ago, I hopped right on board, eager to make my new Unicode-confided friends. The only way to add contacts is by typing in their (emoji-only) names, so I made some guesses. A few were rejected as "not existing" — most were not. Out of the dozens of potential buddies I tried, only five ultimately accepted. Many more are still pending.
I engaged with these five cartoon-tongued fellow pioneers. Some engaged back, all were unsettling. So I present them to you here, unedited and with their English translations. Probably.
Me: Hi, new friend!
Expensive Poop (EP): Blood heroin blood heroin.
Me: Cool. I'm uncomfortable and not sure how to respond, so here are some things that could be construed as drugs followed by a question mark.
EP: I have tasted the stars in the sky.
Me: Ok. Well, I'm from the US. Where are you from?
EP: I am god.
Me: So just to clarify, you're saying you're not the king of a country but an actual supernatural entity, right?
Me: That's uncharacteristically terse of you. Are you mad? Here are some things you might like.
Sparkle Poop: Hello.
Me: Hi, let's be best friends.
Me: Do you like blood and/or heroin?
Musical Whale Cream
Me: Hi, I really hope this goes better than the last two.
Musical Whale Cream (MWC): I'm so happy to have a friend.
Me: Oh, thank god. Wanna get hopped up drugs and go rob somebody for money and jewels so we can be truly happy?
MWC: I was thinking more of forcing fancy cats to pick up smoking habits and then going on a surfing trip.
Me: Ok, but now that we're best friends, if you were surfing in a storm, you might drown and die, and I would be so sad.
Me: We can take candy from children though, that's also a thrill.
MWC: I'm stuck in traffic, and then I have to go load a bunch animals onto a ship.
Me: God is that you are you back?
Me: Whale fart! You must be lots of fun.
Me: You there new friend?
Me: For the love of god, why aren't you answering me?
Me: Isolation is the sum total of wretchedness to a man.
Me: Hi, are you a cop?
And Poop Money, if you're out there, we're here for you, buddy.
Picture: Tara Jacoby