ReaganBook — the hip, social-networkin’ conservative’s answer to Facebook that popped up not even a week ago — is dead. After being flooded with pornography and profanities of all sorts, the “Facebook for Patriots” was forced to shutter its doors. But don’t worry. There are still plenty of places where the internet-minded neocons among us can feel right at home.
Here are some of the internet’s foremost conservative alternatives to all your favourite websites. Know any we missed? Let us know down below, comrade.
Instead of Wikipedia: Conservapedia
Tagline: The trustworthy encyclopedia.
Highlights: Essentially everything in the “popular pages” list is worth reading. But in particular, we recommend “Barack Hussein Obama,” “Homosexuality,” “Worst College Majors,” “Evolution Liberalism, Atheism, and Irrationality,” and last but certainly not least, “Liberalism and Beastiality.” There is a lot about beastiality.
Instead of OkCupid: The Atlasphere
Tagline: Connecting admirers of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.
Highlights: This dating bio:
You should contact me if you are a skinny woman. If your words are a meaningful progression of concepts rather than a series of vocalisations induced by your spinal cord for the purpose of complementing my tone of voice. If you’ve seen the meatbot, the walking automaton, the pod-people, the dense, glazy-eyed substrate through which living organisms such as myself must escape to reach air and sunlight. If you’ve realised that if speech is to be regarded as a cognitive function, technically they aren’t speaking, and you don’t have to listen.
Please note: If you’re overweight, I won’t date you. If you believe in God, I won’t date you. If you vote for Democrats, I won’t date you.
Instead of Facebook: Tea Party Community
Tagline: The Tea Party Community is a conservative hub for sharing ideas, unifying a movement and organising strategies to keep the United States of America in her rightful place as the greatest nation on earth. “We The People – Don’t Tread on US!”
Highlights: The ads:
Instead of Reddit: Ritely
Tagline: News for conservatives, news done right.
Highlight:
Instead of The Onion: The People’s Cube
Tagline: We cure weak liberalism with strong communism.
Highlight:
Instead of Snopes: Conservative Fact Check
Tagline: CFC is dedicated to providing a conservative alternative to enormously liberal-biased fact checking sites like snopes.com, factcheck.org, and politifact.com.
Highlights: All the #facts.
Instead of Gmail: Reagan Mail
Tagline: The official email provider of the conservative movement.™
Highlight: For the low, low price of $US40 a month, you can “help restore President Ronald Reagan’s America.”
Instead of the AARP: AMAC
Tagline: Better for You. Better for America.
Highlights: Pretty much every magazine cover.
Art by Sam Woolley