“Man,” you may have said recently, “I wish my girlfriend/wife/mistress would let me buy one of those cool new Xbox One consoles.” “If only there was someone who could talk to her about it for me,” you may have exclaimed! Well good news, gamer guy: Microsoft has a shamelessly sexist open letter you can email to the non-gaming lady in your life. Wait, did I say good news? I meant the other thing.
It’s called We Got Your Back. You know, because Ballmer is your ballin’ bro, yo.
It starts off harmlessly enough:
You’re about as excited as a puppy with a new chew toy to get your very own, but there’s a little snag. Someone in your life hasn’t heard about the new generation in games and entertainment. Don’t worry. We got your back. Simply make your case and fill in the blanks below. With your explanation (and a little sucking up), they’re bound to agree Xbox One will be a great addition to both your lives.
We got your back.
Nice one, thanks Microsoft. So what does this open letter say?
Here’s where the problems start. Emphasis added, in case you can’t see the shameless derp for yourself:
Hey honey,
Not sure if you’ve heard, but Xbox One is now available. That means we can start playing games like Dead Rising 3. I know, I know. You’d rather knit than watch me slay zombies, but hear me out on this. Xbox One is actually for both of us. Seriously.
I put together a list of reasons why the console could benefit you and me—together and apart, but mostly together:
Games! Maybe you don’t LOVE games like I do, but there’s really something for everyone. While I’m playing Dead Rising 3, you might like arcade games. And since you were just begging me to dance, I’m willing to play Forza Motorsport 5 just for you. It’s a win-win!
Entertainment for both of us. You love movies and I love football. Well, with the Xbox One, we can love both. We can catch your favourite team AND check out my favourite team. Just think of all this togetherness we’re going to experience. It’s gonna be awesome!
It will help us get fit. The console offers Xbox Fitness free with Xbox Live Gold through December 2014* so I can get the abs I’ve always dreamed of, while working out to Tracy Anderson.
Play with others. You’ve been encouraging me to play with others and it just so happens that Xbox One has the best multiplayer service that filters out jerks. So don’t you worry. If we get an Xbox One, I’ll be making new friends in no time.
We can talk on Skype with your favourite sister whom, of course, I love dearly. Heck, we can even talk to them while we watch your favourite TV show.
So what do you say? Let’s be like an awesome movie montage—just me, you, and my our Xbox One—together at last.
Xoxo,
Me
p.s. Did I mention how beautiful you are? And how I really appreciate that you love me more than anything ?
p.p.s If (or should I say when) we get Xbox One, you have dibs on the first multiplayer game that we experience together.
p.p.p.s Long story short: I really, really, really want one for the holidays—y’know… for us.
SERIOUSLY?!
You may now begin banging your head on your desk, especially if you’re part of the “creative” agency who thought up this mountain of fucktacular fail.
Microsoft can have someone else’s back as far as I’m concerned. [Xbox]