As you may know, yesterday was Curiosity’s one-year anniversary on Mars, where it’s been spending its time wandering the desolate, barren Martian desert in inconceivable levels of solitude. And how did NASA decide to commemorate the occasion? Happy birthday, idiot. Now dance, monkey — dance! Here’s why it’s sad.
Yes, not only was Curiosity forced to spend its special day alone, but its own creators — the effective parents of this morosely sad mechanical martyr — forced it to sing its own Happy Birthday song in front of the camera. For YouTube. Where society’s degenerates go to die (after using their last ounce of strength to type out strings of simultaneously homophobic, racist, and profane internet comments). So congratulations NASA. This is officially the worst. birthday. ever. And here’s why.
1. Singing “Happy Birthday” to yourself is the best possible way of reminding yourself that you are absolutely, incontrovertibly, 100 per cent ALONE.
2. The song “Happy Birthday” is notoriously protected by the strictest of copyright law. Someone’s getting sued.
3. A Martian year is longer than an Earth year. It wasn’t even technically the right day.
4. This is what NASA decides to work on instead of oh, I don’t know, figuring out how to get Curiosity back home so that it doesn’t spend eternity rusting on a strange foreign planet.
5. No one in that room is even pretending to listen to Curiosity’s painfully sad attempt at birthday cheer. There is nary a balloon, banner, or stray string of confetti anywhere. If you’re going to humiliate a baby robot, the least you can do is feign some modicum of care. Or you know, look up from your computer.
6. The only water we’ll ever find on Mars will be Curiosity’s tears.
7. The last note was sharp.