Toy Fair is where kids dreams come true — sometimes. After visiting the 2013 edition at NYC's Jacob K. Javits Convention centre, the kid in me was terrified plenty of times too. I don't know how any boy or girl would like to play with some of the things I saw.
Just take a look at the mechanised bear above and tell me that this is not what your worst nightmares are made of. Look at his black eyes — like shark's eyes. Its perennial movement. The look of her cub. What's going on here? Is the mother crying because her cub is dead? Is she hungry and trying to decide if she's about to eat her? Why did this thing happened?
If that's not enough to make you cringe, don't worry, I have more. How about these doll versions of the Lion and the Scarecrow, from the Wizard of Oz? Look at them.
Look at those painted faces, probably modelled from Victorian mortuary baby masks. Those are scary enough on their own, but when you put them in the bodies of the movie characters, you got all your need to spend the night awake in terror or turn kids into sociopaths.
But there's more. This one will cause psychological scars on kids and adults alike. I really can't think of anything worse than Hello Kitty versions of Kiss this side of a Justin Bieber dildo, a device that, if it doesn't exist yet, it will probably happen soon. Probably Hello Kitty branded too.
This also gets extra brownie points (brownie as in poop) as the worst sellout in the history of music. Shame on you Kiss. You did enough damage to the world by making your music and sticking your tongues out.
Talking about sellouts, take a look at these Boo toys, including a 1:1 scale stuffed version. Boo — the famous internet canine celebrity who died last year under mysterious circumstances — is happy. Life is good for Boo because she's a dog, she says.
I wish they sold limited editions of the stuffed Boos made with actual Boo hair. Or some of her ashes.
If you don't want to traumatise a kid and just shatter his or her dreams, you have other options too. These Downtown Abbey puzzles will be a great way to develop their visual skills while lobotomizing their social abilities by either making them turn into servant or the frustrated aristocrats snobs that they will never be.
And finally, here's a way to subtly tune down their expectations about life. Don't let kids dream about being astronauts or a jet pilots — like I did — by giving them aeroplane or spaceship models. No. Give them a drone model. Because nothing says "I love you, kid" like letting them dream about flying remote control planes and killing people remotely.
OK. Now back to my new Lego sets.