How That Call From Victoria Police To Apple Might Have Gone Down

How That Call From Victoria Police To Apple Might Have Gone Down

Victoria Police has taken the unusual step of contacting Apple after a number of motorists made the foolish mistake of actually trusting Apple Maps on an iOS 6 device. Here’s how we imagine the conversation went.

APPLE: Good morning, this is Apple. We reinvented the mobile phone with our revolutionary iPhone. How can I help you?

VICTORIAN POLICE: G’day, I’m Sergeant Frank Gilroy from Victoria Police. We’ve had a number of complaints from motorists getting lost after following directions on the latest version of Apple Maps. I’d like to speak to someone about getting that rectified.

APPLE: Do you have AppleCare?

POLICE: I’m sorry?

APPLE: We can only fix products if you have purchased an AppleCare extended warranty.

POLICE: Well, that’s rubbish for a start, but it’s really not relevant. This is potentially a very big legal issue.

APPLE: I could put you through to our legal department, but I think they’re all busy applying for jobs at Samsung.

POLICE: I just want to speak to someone about your Maps product and what’s wrong with it.

APPLE: We don’t comment on unannounced products.

POLICE: This isn’t an unannounced product.

APPLE: It’s in beta. Same difference.

POLICE: Look, there’s quite a high risk of someone dying here. Something needs to be done about it.

APPLE: Oh, OK, I’ll put you through to one of our Geniuses. Please hold.

GENIUS: Hi, this is Timothy from Apple. We design Macs, the best personal computers in the world. I’ll be helping you with your problem today. So what’s the issue?

POLICE: Apple Maps seems to think Mildura is in the middle of a national park.

GENIUS: Are you sure it isn’t?

POLICE: I beg your pardon?

GENIUS: National parks are fairly large. Are you sure that Mildura isn’t hiding somewhere in a ravine?

POLICE: Yes, I’m sure. I think the 30,000 people who live there would notice. Look Timothy, we’ve had a major problem with people wandering in the park for hours after getting misdirected and then not being able to find any phone signal.

GENIUS: Hey, if people choose to be Vodafone customers, that’s not our fault.

POLICE: This buggy software is clearly your fault. Your CEO even apologised for it.

GENIUS: Oh I don’t think so. We’re Apple. We never apologise. We’re too busy defining the future of mobile media and computing devices with iPad.

POLICE: Oh, it definitely happened. Tim Cook even suggested that drivers should use other software.

GENIUS: Well, there you go. If people had just followed his advice, they wouldn’t be in this predicament, would they? But I appreciate you’ve been inconvenienced. Would you like some iTunes credit?

[Sergeant Gilroy hangs up]