How That Call From Victoria Police To Apple Might Have Gone Down

Victoria Police has taken the unusual step of contacting Apple after a number of motorists made the foolish mistake of actually trusting Apple Maps on an iOS 6 device. Here's how we imagine the conversation went.

APPLE: Good morning, this is Apple. We reinvented the mobile phone with our revolutionary iPhone. How can I help you?

VICTORIAN POLICE: G'day, I'm Sergeant Frank Gilroy from Victoria Police. We've had a number of complaints from motorists getting lost after following directions on the latest version of Apple Maps. I'd like to speak to someone about getting that rectified.

APPLE: Do you have AppleCare?

POLICE: I'm sorry?

APPLE: We can only fix products if you have purchased an AppleCare extended warranty.

POLICE: Well, that's rubbish for a start, but it's really not relevant. This is potentially a very big legal issue.

APPLE: I could put you through to our legal department, but I think they're all busy applying for jobs at Samsung.

POLICE: I just want to speak to someone about your Maps product and what's wrong with it.

APPLE: We don't comment on unannounced products.

POLICE: This isn't an unannounced product.

APPLE: It's in beta. Same difference.

POLICE: Look, there's quite a high risk of someone dying here. Something needs to be done about it.

APPLE: Oh, OK, I'll put you through to one of our Geniuses. Please hold.

GENIUS: Hi, this is Timothy from Apple. We design Macs, the best personal computers in the world. I'll be helping you with your problem today. So what's the issue?

POLICE: Apple Maps seems to think Mildura is in the middle of a national park.

GENIUS: Are you sure it isn't?

POLICE: I beg your pardon?

GENIUS: National parks are fairly large. Are you sure that Mildura isn't hiding somewhere in a ravine?

POLICE: Yes, I'm sure. I think the 30,000 people who live there would notice. Look Timothy, we've had a major problem with people wandering in the park for hours after getting misdirected and then not being able to find any phone signal.

GENIUS: Hey, if people choose to be Vodafone customers, that's not our fault.

POLICE: This buggy software is clearly your fault. Your CEO even apologised for it.

GENIUS: Oh I don't think so. We're Apple. We never apologise. We're too busy defining the future of mobile media and computing devices with iPad.

POLICE: Oh, it definitely happened. Tim Cook even suggested that drivers should use other software.

GENIUS: Well, there you go. If people had just followed his advice, they wouldn't be in this predicament, would they? But I appreciate you've been inconvenienced. Would you like some iTunes credit?

[Sergeant Gilroy hangs up]

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