This week’s diary is a strange one and I’m writing it in a bit of a state, so do bear with me. After I finished working last night, my sweet tooth stirred and I resolved to fetch myself some M&Ms. Yes, it’s falling off the wagon, but what transpired next was the strangest and definitely one of the most precarious situations I have yet been involved in.
As I mentioned, I fell off the fitness wagon last night — something that I’ve done a bit of over the last week by neglecting the gym, sadly. Regardless, this is an interesting case. I live in Mascot in Sydney, quite close to the airport for what it’s worth. My street isn’t exactly a back alley, but to obtain M&Ms I have to walk to the service station that’s situated about 200 metres down my street.
It was about 8:30pm when I left the house, ironically, carrying my wallet with my cards, ID, swipe cards and last $50 in it, my phone and my keys. I arrived at the service station without incident, paying for the M&Ms — plain flavour if you’re wondering — and leaving to start back on my journey.
I rounded the corner back into my street, and 50 metres into my walk, I started to cross the quiet road. A man walked into the middle of that road from I honestly don’t know where and blocked my path. I greeted him in a way that would perhaps convince him not to stab me on-sight before he demanded money. Instinctively, I told him I had none. “I’ve got nothing on me,” I said with a white headphone sticking out of the one ear. This wasn’t going well.
He took a few steps forward as I took a few back in what was becoming quite a scary waltz. I quickly thought of the pointy keys in my pocket and figured I wouldn’t be able to get to them in time, or do any damage to this enormous man with them anyway. I decided to put it all on red and went for a gamble:
“Mate,” I said while trying to hide an obvious quaver in my voice and a look on my face that indicated a bit of wee was about to come out, “I don’t have anything but these M&Ms”.
Like a chimp trying to grasp the concept of language, he looked down at my paltry offering and demanded them in a very loud voice. I handed them to him, and promptly pushed passed him towards my house.
He stood in the street for a minute, probably considering that he could have a bit more off me if he could be bothered to take it by force like I’m sure he was capable of, however, by the time he had figured it out, I was another 100 metres away with people mercifully approaching from the other direction.
After standing in the light of my apartment block watching a rush of people suddenly walk by (where were you earlier you late bastards), I resolved to jump in my car and go for a drive. I didn’t really know what else to do.
I arrived home an hour later with new M&Ms in hand, and after eating them, I have decided they are the most dangerous food known to mankind. Because if this experience isn’t a sign to get off chocolate, teamed with this video on why I should stop drinking fizzy drink, I don’t really know what is.
Sincerely,
Luke “Back On The Wagon” Hopewell.