You’ve got five days until Mass Effect 3 is out, but if you’re going to hole up in a nerd bunker as soon as it hits, you’ve got some planning to do. Here’s everything you need to spend way too much of your life fighting Reapers and pursuing sex with your squadmates.
Mountain Dew Throwback
I looked and looked, but there is really no good and cost-effective choice for getting Mountain Dew shipped to your home in bulk. So the next best option is to go for the good stuff. Load up on your body-killing beverage of choice, but make sure to get some of the real sugar variety, too. It’s just too bad that the train wreck that was Game Fuel is off the shelves. $US9.79. [imgclear]
Donut Pillow – Memory Foam Seat Cushion
Realistically, you are going to sit in one place, in one position, for about 50 hours in just a few days. That is unhealthy, of course, but worse, it gets uncomfortable. Do yourself a favour and get a hemorrhoid doughnut to comfort the tuchus. $US35. [imgclear]
Charcoal N7 Elite Armor Strike Hoody
Look, yes, I know everyone’s mad at Bioware for the $US870 of DLC and everything, but this still-overpriced hoodie looks like it has enough atmosphere and comfiness to it that I’ll plunk down the money to look extra nerdy as I waste away in my apartment for a week. $US74. [imgclear]
Male Advantage Urinal
Normal behaviour and responsibilities kind of go out the window when you’re first digging into a game like this. I get it. And I support it! So much so that I think you should buy this urinal, or some permutation of it if your bits don’t fit into this, so you can concentrate on what’s really important, and leave the urine bag emptying for the end credits. $US34. [imgclear]
Hot Pockets
Hot pockets are surprisingly tough to track down for online orders, but if you’re willing to buy $US50-worth of the suckers, you can get them from Walmart. This is always a good idea. You should absolutely sign up for a notification for when this amazing 48-pack goes back on sale at Amazon, though. $US1.97/2-pack, $US11.54/12-pack. [imgclear]
Shiseido Makeup Foundation
Look, you’re going to need to call out sick from work. But you can’t risk being found out and refused. So you gotta sell it. That means a pale foundation, and maybe something dark around the eyes. A friend of a friend says that “Burnt Sienna eyeliner” made her look like she had a stomach virus, so that might help. But paler, pastier skin than usual is where you want to start. $US31. [imgclear]