The Academy Awards: that wonderful yearly event when we collectively celebrate the accomplishments of talented, beautiful people. They're nothing like you, and they'd never be caught hanging with you, but that doesn't mean you can't get yourself into their crew.
If you want to join the elite, you're going to do what everyone on the red carpet does every single day: fake it. Actors look charming on screen, but in real life, they're neurotic and delusional — that's how they got so famous in the first place. Pure hubris.
Once you've decked yourself out with the right gear, just play the part. Think of it as method acting. This is what you need to get your ordinary-self into some big Hollywood parties. And if anyone tries to call you out for your crappy apartment or your clunker of a car, just tell them you're keeping it real.
Image: The Academy Awards
Kogao! Smile Lines Face Belt Celebs rely on plastic surgery and all matter of expensive beauty products to keep themselves looking young. Will this weird-looking Japanese face mask work? No clue, but its exotic origin will impress. $US54.
DIY Treadmill Celebrities stay in shape with ridiculous — borderline suicidal — exercise regimens. You've actually got to work, and hey, exercise is boring anyway. Just follow these instructions for a cheap walking treadmill, and you'll slowly burn off the calories throughout the day without even breaking a sweat. $US1.
Fake Calls App Famous people like other people who are important, and important people get a lot of phone calls. The only person who calls you is your mum. This app allows you to program in when you'd like a simulated call to come in so you can make it look like your phone is always ringing off the hook. $US1.
Raw Food for Real People Cookbook Raw food diets are very popular in Hollywood, probably because those people don't like to eat. But remember, this is all about appearances. When the subject of diet comes up, whip out your iPad and show how committed you are to your health. And in the event your new celebrity-buddies need someone to cook assemble some seeds and mosses for them, you'll be prepared. $US6.
Nutrient optimising Juice Extractor You should already own a juicer because they're awesome, but if you don't, go pick up an impressive one. You don't want to see George Clooney without his freshly squeezed juice. It's ugly. You'll be banished if you're not prepared. $US300.
Weird Self-Defence Methods If celebrities didn't have legitimate concerns about stalkers they'd probably still be paranoid anyway. In fact, on occasion, you may be required/expected to protect your celebrity friend. You are a weakling, so make sure you've got a number of different ways to serve and protect at all times. My personal favourite weapon is the unbreakable umbrella. $US120.
Persol 714 Sunglasses Faking your coolness will be the hardest part of this ruse, because, well, true coolness is impossible to fake. But a classic pair of sunglasses — Persols were Steve McQueen's favourites — is just about the only way you can fool someone from a distance into thinking you are one of them. It's the ultimate Hollywood hack. $US200.