Don't try and pretend the Oscars isn't a snoozefest. "And the winner for best... ZZZZZZZZZ." With Brett Ratner and Eddie Murphy officially out of the picture, it's time for the Academy to step up and hire the Muppets to host.
I am completely serious about this. I'm not trying to start a wacky campaign that will fizzle out after a few days. I truly believe that the Muppets would be the best Academy Awards hosts ever. Eddie Murphy and Brett "I Killed the X-Men Franchise" Ratner's departures are an opportunity for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to not only make the show worth watching, but raise the bar for future broadcasts.
Why are the Muppets a good fit? So glad you asked! The Academy's main objective each year is to find a host that appeals to the largest demographic. They won't book someone like the hilarious Louis C.K. because your mum probably doesn't know about him and he hasn't done any family-friendly comedies. Eddie Murphy, on the other hand, traded in his Delirious red-leather jumpsuit for family friendly comedies years ago (none of which was very funny). The Muppets? They reek of family friendliness. Plus, they're actually funny. Have you seen their parody trailers? This one is hilarious, so is this one, and of course this one. Plus, everyone loves the Muppets. If you don't love the Muppets, there's a good chance you're dead inside.
Also, let's not forget that the Muppets know how to put on a show. Maybe you've heard of a little television program known as The Muppet Show? Sure it's been a while since that went off the air, but judging from the parody trailers I spoke of earlier, the writers are top notch satirists ready for the challenge. The Muppet Show had everything that would make an Oscar broadcast TV gold: Jokes! Songs! Celebrities! Chickens!
And while we're at it, why stop at hosting? Why not a complete Muppet takeover? Instead of nominated musicians being accompanied by the orchestra, let's let Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem accompany them. Frankly, I think the musicians would rather have a Muppet with shiny teeth rocking out with them than some random oboist. And tell me you'd be physically capable of changing the channel with Animal on drums.
Instead of playing music to usher the winners ungraciously off-stage mid-speech, get Statler and Waldorf up in the balcony to shut them up. If we're lucky Sean Penn will get all aggro on them and the can give him a good roasting. That's good TV. The possibilities are truly endless. Beaker and Dr Bunsen Honeydew could introduce the special effects category. Missy Piggy, best female actress.
I'm a lover of film. The art and care that goes into a wonderful motion picture should be honored by peers in that industry. But I have either skipped or fast-forwarded through every Academy Awards show for the past 10 years. A Muppet Oscars, though. That's a show I'll watch again and again. So let's make this happen. Tell the Academy you want Kermit on that stage. Shout it on Twitter with the #MuppetOscars hashtag. Send the Oscars a message on their site. And while you're at it, follow the Twitter account and fan the Facebook group that have already cropped up in support of our fuzzy friends. If we can get Betty White on SNL, surely we can get The Muppets hosting an awards show. I will not rest until the Muppets are handing out awards to the best sound effects team. And neither should you.