Why the heck would I scuba? It’s dark down there. And cold. And I ‘m allergic to the Bends. I’d rather float along the surface with these seven luxurious snorkelling tools.
Azimut 45 Flybridge
Sure I could run a small skiff out to the dive site like schmuck or I could bring the party with me aboard a 13.7m Azimut yacht. It has a top speed of 32 knots thanks to its dual 480hp Cummins engines. With the “easy steering” option enabled, the Flybridge will automatically adjust the rotation speed of its twin props which allows for more nimble course corrections and docking is simplified by incorporating a joystick control and automatically adjusting the engine power to accommodate for wind and sea conditions. It sleeps 12 guests. $Expensive
XS Scuba Fusion Mask
I go snorkelling to see the pretty fish, not the inside of my mask. The Fusion does away with the traditional frame shape entirely, instead employing a beveled and bonded durable polycarbonate outer edge, that provides a huge panoramic viewing area. Also useful for keeping the baby oil out of your eyes when motor-boating. $US65
Oceanic Ultra-Dry Snorkel
Mmmmm, saltwater, nom. Yeah, no thanks. The Oceanic Ultra-Dry Snorkel is the only one on the market that is a truly 100 per cent dry snorkel — one that doesn’t require clearing the tube of seawater before breathing. It uses a patented self-regulating valve which detects the difference between the weight of water and air, automatically closing as soon as I dip beneath the waves. $US60
Oceanic Vortex V-16 Full Foot Dive Fins
My feet were built for walking so when I swim with the fishes, I’m going to swim like the fishes. The Vortex V-16 mix high-performance materials with an innovative centre-split fin design that makes them up to 30 per cent faster and more efficient than regular fins. $US200
Farallon MK-2
It’s a personal underwater vehicle that will tow my lazy sight-seeing arse around at 70m per minute and as deep as 122m. I’m going to paint mine like Bullet Bill.
Necker Nymph
If I want to stay under for longer than I can hold my breath, I might as well hire a submarine to tool around in, right? The Necker Nymph, which resides on Sir Richard Branson’s luxury catamaran, the Necker Belle, is an open-cabin three-seater sub. It dives down to a depth of 30 metres, has a top underwater speed of six knots, and can remain submerged for up to two hours. $US2500/day
Aquatica AD7000 Underwater Housing for Nikon D7000
As the Nikon D7000 as a safe diving operation rating of approximately zero feet, it’ll need to be waterproofed before I go all Jacques Cousteau. The AD7000 Underwater Housing is designed specifically to protect the camera from seawater while still allowing full use of the camera’s features through a series of external knobs and buttons. It’s machined from a solid block of aluminium and anodised to military specs, secure to 91m. If water does somehow get in, the moisture alarm will flash both audibly and visually to alert me. It’s even got a hydrophone if I want to capture some video of whale song. $US2690
I’m on a Boat
This should be looping, non-stop, for the duration of the excursion.
Top image: Diane N. Ennis/Shutterstock