OK. This jerkoff’s been on your couch for long enough. I don’t care if it’s days, weeks or months — it’s long enough. Time to smoke ’em out. You can stay friends! Just think of him as an occupying army. You’ll drive him out, some tense time will pass, and then you’ll be best of friends as trade partners in a few decades. The first method? Psychological warfare. Mount this meowing cat clock above the couch — it’s so pretty! — and watch as his cranium is slowly eroded by the songs of various furry feline beasts. It begins. $US14.
So he’s still sticking around? Fine. Let’s turn it up a bit. I personally love Rebecca Black, both as an artist and as a powerful young woman, but the rest of the human population seems not to. So spend a couple of bucks on her two MP3s, and let ’em blast. They’ll complain. But it’s your “new favourite song”, and more importantly it’s your speaker system. So they’ll have to put up with it. $1.69-$2.19 per track.
You know what’s really uncomfortable? Watching porn with a friend. You know what’s even more uncomfortable? Watching hardcore porn in 1080p. Take your pick of some filthy Blu-ray discs, and watch as double penetration gradually leads to single occupancy. Prices vary.[imgclear]
You know what really grosses out a guest? Seeing all of the dandruff, semen, sweat and various other bodily releases scattered all over their sleeping quarters. Set up this 18-inch blacklight tube near your unwanted friend’s bed, and wait for the revulsion. $US20.[imgclear]
OK, you’ve tried some gentle approaches. You’ve tried annoyance. It’s time to crack down. It’s time for draconian measures. It’s time to be a dick. It’s time to lock the fridge. “Dude, why is there a lock on the fridge?” “Oh, I dunno, just a thing I do now.” “Well, can I have the key? I’m hungry and need food to survive.” “Nah.” $US25.[imgclear]
At the end, you might just have to swallow, adjust your hat, and place a sonic grenade under your couch. The piercing, 115-decibel blast will shake their neurons, make their eyes bleed (figuratively), and, we hope, force them to take the hint. The hint is: please find a new place to crash or I’m going to keep waking you up with this 115-decibel alarm. Love you, buddy! $US8.