Why The Internet Should Die In A Fire

Why The Internet Should Die In A Fire

Oh internet, why are you such a scary, disgusting and weird mistress? Spoiler alert: it’s not the internet, it’s humanity, and looking at humanity in the classifieds is often like staring at an anus through a telescope.

Example 1: The Roommate of Nightmares

This one is right here in New York City. My buddy Patrick just stumbled onto it while apartment-hunting. It’s pretty exquisite. (click to largeify)

I don’t know if there’s really anything I need to add to that post except that if you sleep there I only give you a 22 per cent chance of waking up with all of your organs.

Example 2: The Telltale Heart

This next little ditty comes to us from Plano, Texas. Unlike our first post, this one seems nice and reasonable, with good spelling and grammar. They’re selling a used Tempur-Pedic mattress for $US500, which is $US1000 less than they paid for it!

For sale is a relatively new and luxuriously comfortable queen size Tempur-Pedic mattress.

It was purchased new about one year ago and the memory foam feels amazing. It will conform to your body perfectly and feels like you are sleeping on a cloud without any of the painful pressure points, tossing and turning, etc.

Great! I’m sold. I can’t believe you’re selling an “Almost New” Tempur-Pedic for so little! But wait, there’s more!? (click to elephantine-ise)

AHHHHHHHHH!!! Yes, who wouldn’t want to settle in for a nice “romantic” evening on someone else’s afterbirth and placenta stains? Shaped like a heart!? I don’t care if it’s shaped like Pippa Middleton’s arse, I’m not going anywhere near it.

Example 3: Will Get Me Fired

Imagine I come into the office one day, and I march right up to my boss, Matt Buchanan. I stare deep into his eyes, silently, for 30 seconds, and then I scream, “Hey boss! I’ve got a knife with your name on it!” Then I laugh all crazy and pull this out of my pocket! (click to expand-o-gram)

I don’t know which would go over worse, the whole pulling out a knife thing, or the “Matt Buchanan Forever and Ever” element. Either way, I wouldn’t be working here anymore. But it’s nice to plan last day tomfoolery long in advance. At least, I hope so. Matt? The point is that there’s enough crazy stuff out there to suit anyone’s purpose-especially if that purpose is incredibly f**ked up and stupid.

Anyhoo, I’m going to go scrub my eyes out with an abrasive cleanser. In the meantime, thank you, Craiglist/humanity! Truly, you are a many-splendoured thing.