It's not fun being a little spear squid. You're small. You're a squid. But — compared to your larger male peers, your jizz is gigantic. And, National Geographic reports, you can sneak up on females and inseminate their mouths. Yeah...!
You see, the smaller spear squid are at a distinct disadvantage. In order to knock up a lady squid, one has to sort of grapple with her, forcing your squid sperm into her squid sperm receptacle, right by her mouth. Big spear squid also glow in the dark! This is the equivalent of an older, cooler guy with a nice car.
Small spear squid can't glow, but scientists have discovered their sperm is about 20 per cent larger — and when you're a tiny squid, that makes a big difference. The little guys are able to scoot over mid tentacle-sexing, shoot in some bazooka sperm, and then dart off. And because evolution is a wonderful, wonderful thing, the lady squid's openings are actually built perfectly to suck in this XL sperm, ensuring the survival of the species, despite size disparities. The big squid are all, What the HELL was that, Laura? I'm going to kick his ass! And Laura doesn't say anything, because she's a squid, and squid cannot talk. Size does matter, if you're a runty spear squid. Nature finds a way. [National Geographic — Thanks Maureen!]