The sun sinks. The air, warm. You’re with the guy or girl of your dreams. Or maybe they’re just the best thing at the moment. The time to fornicate is nigh — but where? How about this cockpit. Or closet?
Sometimes you don’t always have access or a bed. Or, hell, you don’t want to get it on the old-fashioned way. So for all those utility elevators, mine shafts, wells and crawlspaces that are ripe for the sex-having, here’s some gear to help make your claustrophobic coitus a little more enjoyable.
So it may be designed for alpine athletics, but hands-free is hands-free, even off the slopes. Those hands are going to be in high demand-and given the fact that you’re wedged in some minuscule space, abundant, romantic lighting probably isn’t an option. But you still need to see what you’re doing. Sixty lumens of LED light might not get your hearts aflutter, but it’ll make sure you’re putting things in the right places, and not bumping into anything jagged. $US50.[imgclear]
Yeah, so, you know, there’s not a lot of room to manoeuvre. You’re going to have to wedge yourself in there with a lot less grace than usual. I don’t think I need to spell this one out. $US16.[imgclear]
You know what ruins sex? Hitting your head and screaming AH CHRIST, MY HEAD, AHHHH. So avoid bumps against doorknobs, stalagmites and steering wheels with a sleek, light, minimal polycarbonate helmet. Includes venting! Your brain (and partner) will thank you. $US50.[imgclear]
It’s gonna get hot in your little love compartment, and you’ll doubtfully want to crack whatever ventilation’s available, for fear of being discovered. So bring your own coolant system: this three-speed fan not only blows cool air on your overheating parts, but has a neck strap. I mean it’s basically made for sex. $US12.[imgclear]
As mentioned, it’s going to get steamy up in here. You won’t have the luxury of reaching for a post (or mid) coital glass of water, so strap some to your back for hump hydration. Bonus: share with your SO using the attached hose — it’s very romantic! $US40.[imgclear]
You’re almost finished. So close. You hear footsteps. Oh no. They’re coming for you. But you can’t stop — it’d be rude to. Unfathomable. Can you barricade the door? There’s no wood! Your pistol? No, that seems drastic. So how to preserve your furtive compartment banging? A padlock might help. Slap ‘er on and pray. $US13.[imgclear]
Nobody said this was going to be easy. But you’re resourceful — that’s why he/she is letting you attempt reproduction. You need something to grab onto, but damnit, there’s just no room. So make your own handle. These suction cups support up to 30kg of stress and latch on to glass or metal, so swing away, sweet chariot. $US5.[imgclear]
Again, support is crucial here. There aren’t any headboards or mattresses or ottomans to keep you afloat. You’ll need some DIY support. Suspending yourself with bungee cords will add a little Mission: Impossible to your Missionary: Possible. Ugh. I’m sorry for writing that. But seriously, you can hang from the ceiling and have sex, with up to four feet of clearance. $US10.[imgclear]
Lead photo: CREATISTA/Shutterstock