Ah, the Great Outdoors — how I loathe your Wi-Fi-less expanses. But if I must be forced to bask in your natural beauty, you can be damn well sure I'll be doing it with a laptop in my hand.
Me. Sleep out under the stars. You must be out your got-damn mind. The REI Kingdom 4 has two private rooms (one for sleeping, one as a home-tent-office), high walls to maximise interior space, and multiple organiser pockets to hold my cables, peripherals and Abba-Zabbas. $US350.
I live in the First World. I have First World problems. Sleeping on the ground is not one of them — until I go camping. The Therm-A-Rest sleeping pad is not only the world's lightest sleeping pad, its heat-reflecting barrier keeps me three times warmer than uninsulated pads. I'll take five. $US170.
I ain't dragging my pale arse out to the middle of a forest just to sleep by my damn self. The Cabin Creek is a sleeping bag built for two. It's got an integrated pad sleeve so you never roll off and is long enough to accommodate my 6'2" frame as well as that of one (or more) lady-friends. $US240.
It's a portable satellite internet connection. Ok, so it's like this. Think of somewhere, anywhere on the face of the Earth. The answer is yes — you can download porn there at broadband speeds. $US13,733.
Do I look photosynthetic? I need food and — more importantly — coffee. Like now. Luckily, the Yukon 2 stove from Camp Chef has a 2890sqcm cooking surface and two 30,000 BTU burners, so my lady can whip me up a feast in a flash. Maybe start paying me back for the best night of her life. Maybe put a deposit down on the upcoming evening in the form of bacon. $US222.
You know what I hate? Suffocating in my sleep from Carbon Monoxide poisoning because jackass (*raises hand*) decided it'd be a good idea to leave a gas-burning lantern on in the tent. The Black Diamond Titan Lantern pumps out 250-lumen from its LEDs (sans the Carbon Monoxide) and burns for up to 168 hours on 4 D-batteries. Plus it's got variable brightness settings. You know, for mood lighting. $US80.
Just because I hate the woods doesn't mean I don't love starting fires. Because I do. And when I want to get old-school on my fire (put the bow drill down son, we ain't going that far back) the Exotac Nanostryker sparks... my fancy? (YEEEEAAAAHHHH!) And yes there are more ferrocerium fire starters on the market than there are trolls on the Internet but this one is the smallest at just 85mm in length. And it's an all-in-one system so I can drag the included striker, instead of my my blade, across the ferrocerium rod to spark it. $US27.
Do bears shit in the woods? Of course they do, how else would you explain that constant, overwhelming stench that seems to follow me? Oh right, haven't showered in a week... that would make sense. The Advanced Elements 5-Gallon Summer Shower holds — you guessed it — 19 litres of water and heats to a toasty 40.5C after 2.5 hours in the sun. $US31.
Yeah, I may look utterly ridiculous wearing a full-body mosquito net suit but we'll see who's laughing when you catch Malaria. Whaddya mean Malaria isn't prevalent in Northern California? $US25.