The year is nearing completion. Did you hit all your goals? Find romance? Roast some meat? Chug some beers? Maybe! But a holiday? Sigh. Here's how to fake it.
You know what the opposite of a holiday is? Being stuck at your desk, indoors, with lots of artificial materials standing between you and the sun. So use the next best thing! This desk lamp will blast 1800 lumens of fake sunlight right into your face. Now you're feelin' it! Yeah! Can you smell the ocean air? $US38.
Giant Bag of Fake Sand
No ocean air? Alright fine — how about sand all over the place? Take this 50 pound (!) sack of premium quality sand, pour it all over the place, and wiggle your toes in it. Close your eyes. Ignore your vibrating mobile phone. Bury it in the sand. You're at the beach in your brain. $US20.
You've got the (fake) sun in your face, the (real) sand in your toes, and a chest full of vigour. But what's missing? The sounds of the mighty ocean. The murmurs of the tides, the roar of the waves, mothers yelling at their children to stay away from that big rock. Increase your fakeaction immersion with this sound machine. It's even shaped like a shell! $US19.
What's a day at the beach without some cold beers? A slow, sober day. Drinking alone indoors is kind of sad, so why not liven it up with these adorable little Hawaiian shirt koozies? You get 12 of 'em per pack, and they come in all sorts of colours — so swap them around. You can pretend your ever-warming beer is a holiday buddy. Hey little guy! How are ya? Want a beer? Oh right, you are a beer. Now is when I drink you, friend. $US10.
If you want something a little more stimulating than a beer can dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, how about a kinda-realistic doll you can have sex with? You don't even need the sex part. You can just do fun holiday stuff together! Sandcastles, looking for interesting beach glass, arguing over who left the keys in the car — and your Realdoll will never leave you alone on this holiday, because it's an inanimate object. $US6000.
Hotel livin'! Luxury! The best part of being pampered is stealing the assorted soaps from your suite afterwards — so skip that step and just buy some tiny little hotel soaps. You can wash them, or decorate your beach cabana with them, or just smell them and wish your year had turned out better. When a friend comes over, feel free to prominently display them — Oh, these? Those are from my holiday. $US19.
OK — enough screwing around. You really wanna ramp this faux-holiday up? You've got the sand, sounds, sex and soap — now you need the sights. This thing probably doesn't work very well, as the underlying concept was abandoned in the '90s, but virtual reality goggles are about as close as you're going to get to seeing your holiday destination, short of an extremely vivid imagination and/or hallucinogens. Sure, it's more expensive than a real holiday, but think about it — you can look at whatever you want! I'm at the beach! Sike! I'm under the Eiffel Tower, instantly! This is the best trip of all time. $US1700.
Top image: Sergey Peterman/Shutterstock