6 Tools To Settle Any Argument For Good

The US Debt Ceiling debate has reached an unprecedented level of rancor recently with no end to the wrangling in sight. These six tools can help our glorious leaders reach an accord, or at least die trying.


Nothing makes your point more clearly than verifiable facts. So if you need to prove that golfer Paul Hogan is not, in fact, the the same man as "That's not a knife" Paul Hogan, just look it up. Free.

Arbitration in A Nutshell

The use of a disinterested third party to mediate disputes is an excellent means of solving disputes — especially when said disinterested party is secretly in your employment. Arbitration in A Nutshell provides the ideal synopsis of current US arbitration law to give your mole the background info he needs to find in favour of you. $US38.

Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring

Apparently, letting your kids beat each other with spatulas in order to determine who gets the last Puddin' Cup has suddenly been deemed "bad parenting". Instead, your candy-arsed progeny can settle their disputes all civilised-like with the Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring. It's like a normal thumb wrestling grip, but costs money (offhand slapping/eye gouging is still legal and strongly encouraged). $US6.

Truth Serum

Getting the truth "straight from the horse's mouth" is a whole lot easier if you if you pump said horse full of Amobarbital first. This psychoactive medication helps in the collection of information from subjects who are either unable or unwilling to do so voluntarily. Very effective unless that horse is Arnold Schwarzenegger from True Lies, in which case you've got about 8 seconds to live, or that horse is an actual horse. $Yeah Right.

MacGregor aluminium Fungo Bat

Sometimes people just don't get the message and you've got to make your point... more bluntly. What? It worked in Casino. $US50.

Drag Race in a 1948 Ford

If all else fails and your pride is on the line, there's only one way to settle that dispute: Drag Racing. Get yourself some Greased Lightning and show those Scorpions who's the real king of high school. $US11,000.

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