The end times are this weekend, and I know what you’re thinking: What about my dog? Don’t sweat, for $US135 a group of plucky blaspheming atheists will swing by your crib and pick up your pets. Holla!
The rapture is a thing that some Christians believe in where true believers will be taken to heaven, while the rest of humanity is left on Earth to suffer. It’s actually happening this weekend on May 21, according to some crazy people who are crazy. In the event it does Eternal Earthbound Pets will go by your home, pick up your dog or cat, and place it in the home of a pet-loving atheist who will take care of it for the remainder of its life, all for just $US135.
No, it’s not a joke.
“We’re for real,” promises founder Bart Centre. “It’s a serious business.”
Nor is it a scam. Technically.
Centre is completely upfront that he doesn’t think he’ll be picking up pets on Monday. “We never expect to have to execute these contracts,” he explains. “But we have the cadre, the infrastructure and the organisation in the absurdly remote event that the rapture ever happens.”
The organisation started in 6 states and now operates in 26, mostly in the heartland and New England. (Sorry, New York and California, your pets will just have to starve to death after the rapture. But you’re probably all going to Hell, anyway.) If there is a suspected rapture event, Eternal Earthbound Pets will call its clients. If they don’t answer, rescuers will be dispatched to pick up the pets that have been left behind. It has 44 rescuers lined up, all committed atheists.
In fact, in order to qualify, Centre has each rescuer blaspheme in accordance with Mark 3:29. “It’s the only unforgivable sin,” he explains. That way, even if a rescuer does find Jesus prior to the rapture, they’re still screwed in case of the rapture. And will thus be here to pick up your pet. Hell, yeah.
And with the rapture coming this weekend, business has never been better. It’s up 50 percent over a year ago, enough that the group raised its fee from $US110 to $US135 this January. “I feel like Santa and all his elves right before Christmas,” says Centre, in a bad analogy but, hey, he’s saving your pets so we’ll give it to him.
And along with the boom in business of crazy people who just want their pets picked up, the group is also dealing with a boom in threats from crazy people who think offering to pick up pets after a rapture event is a very bad thing. “We get our share of hate mail and death threats,” says Centre. “People threaten to kill and rape us, in that order.” Well naturally!
Photo by Sue McDonald, Shutterstock