The world is ending today. Maybe. Odds are, if you’re a Gizmodo reader, you’ll be stuck down here with the rest of us sinners – pick up this apocalyptic hardware beforehand.
Lock Picks
You know what the best part of the Rapture will be? The looting, of course. With all the goodie goodies sucked up into Heaven, it’ll be a window-smashing, TV-snatching bonanza. Is it a sin? No! The Antichrist is going to come bludgeon you to death with your own arms at any moment! Anything goes! But for those hard to crack caches of fun stuff to enjoy before it’s all over, you’ll need some solid lock picks. This 14-piece set should have you covered.[imgclear]
TDK 3-Speaker Boombox
The people left behind are going to be the most fun people in the world. And yeah, the knowledge the world is self-destructing might be kind of a downer. But it doesn’t have to be. Before the tectonic plates rupture and everyone you know and love is consumed by hellfire, plug in your iPod and blast some tunes. The obvious R.E.M. song is… too obvious. Let’s go for something more upbeat. You’ll be the life of the party, and it’ll take the edge off of not being selected for eternal salvation.[imgclear]
Volcano Digital Vaporiser
After all the looting, dancing and orgy-having has come to a close, you might be sort of bummed. Stressed, even. After all, you’re condemned to infinite suffering, and you’re likely watching the planet being ravaged by the armies of Hell. Time to chill out! You might as well spend what remaining hours you have in a haze of Legal Tobacco Product of Your Choice. Oh wait – civilisation and all conception of morality and legality has completely imploded, so go ahead and smoke a bunch of drugs.[imgclear]
A Giant Fucking Axe
Whether for self defence, looting, or just decapitating a bunch of people you never really liked and finally have a chance to off, a huge metal weapon is essential while roaming the apocalyptic ruins of society. Sure, guns are an option, but you’ll run out of ammo, and you don’t want to be the dunce who ran out of bullets during the End of Days. Trust a giant axe instead. Swing low, sweet chariot. We recommend the Base Camp X Titanis – a massive, $US445 beast. But why even mention the price? Just loot the thing! Start choppin’![imgclear]
WAR DOG Armour
When the Rapture hits, lots of dogs are going to be left behind (don’t forget who told you that FIRST). You’re inevitably going to collect a few mutts out of guilt and pity, so why not turn your RAPTURE DOGS into WAR DOGS. (WAR DOGS.) Slip a K9 Storm Intruder vest on that puppy, which not only lets it rappel and parachute, but will record man’s best friend tearing people apart in CANINE-O-VISION. Note: Wiener dogs in chain mail are also acceptable.[imgclear]
Giant Backpack
After you pick those locks and help yourself to the belongings of everyone who peaced out, you’re gonna need something to hold your freshly acquired gadgets. This giant backpack, made by High Fydelity, is not only capable, but approved by the style mavens over at The Fader. If you’re gonna loot, do it in Pee Wee Herman-esque style.[imgclear]
Snow Suit
If you happen to be one of the God-fearing winners among us who was selected for an eternal day/eternal night stay at Jesus’ luxury resort in the sky, you’re gonna have a long trip ahead of you. It will get frigid as you reach those glorious and divine altitudes, so slip into one of these lovely North Face snow suits, lean back, and enjoy the trip up.[imgclear]
Taser
After the party dies down, the natives will go restless. This means you’ll need to defend yourself from a disillusioned mass of sadists looking to tear your spleen out for the hell of it. Tasers are not only effective against these thrill-seekers, but require little skill to operate. ALSO, Jesus may or may not be a velociraptor, and thus, may try to eat you. If this happens, plug him in the chest with one of these a couple of times and all should be well.
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Photo credit: top image uses photos from Shutterstock