Cheating on your significant other used to be simple: reserve the hotel room under an alias, pay in cash. Today, a digital footprint can be as telling as lipstick on the collar. But if you’re smart, you can get away with it.
Disclaimer: You shouldn’t do this! It’s easier (and decent-er) to end an unfulfilling relationship than to creep around without getting caught. But if you’re up for the challenge, you heartbreaker, there are ways around the old ball and chain. Here are five tips for not getting caught with your pants down or with your true relationship status up.
Create a fake identity
This may sound rudimentary, but it’s surprising how many idiots use their real personal information in elicit dealings. **cough cough Chris Lee cough** You don’t need to produce an alter ego or anything, but you should create an alter email that doesn’t scream your real full name. Make it something vague like chris123. And because a solo first name looks incredibly sketchy, set the account to display the username as the return address. Thinking of doing the same thing for your social networks? Think again, dumbass. The cheater in you doesn’t social network – that’s a social minefield that can get you discovered in a skipped heartbeat.
Stay away from dating sites
Any seasoned online dater knows that in order to get attention, you’ve got to upload a profile pic. But/Of course, once you do post a profile pic, it’s only a matter of time before the site matches you with one of your S/O’s friends. Bus-ted! Instead, find someone to cheat with on Ashley Madison (tagline: “Life is short. Have an affair.”), a matchmaking site specifically for lovable scumbags like you. Or, try a more rudimentary site like Craigslist to find your on-the-side booty (Pro-tip, have them send a pic first. And don’t be a congressman.).
Use a public computer
Picture this nightmare: your special friend starts typing in craigslist.org to shop for a bicycle or a gilded picture frame, and by the time s/he hits that first “S,” the browser auto-fills “craigslist personals, women seeking men…” Game over. You want to cruise the online underworld stealthily? Use a mess of random public computers. Get your coffee at an Internet cafe (they exist!), go to the library, maybe drop in on an Apple Store. Sure, you could just wipe your history on your home machine, or lock your machine down with biometric access, but the best way not to arouse suspicion is to act as though you have nothing to hide.
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Get a private line
You do NOT want that call from “Mistress Sheba” popping onto the screen while the love of your life is playing Angry Birds on your phone, and discovering an affair by inspecting a phone bill is not only easy as hell, it’s a cliche. Get a burner, and use it only for callin’ booty. Obviously, you don’t want a second set of bills coming to your house, so make it a pre-paid job (see: burner). But get something nice—you don’t want your other lover thinking your a cheapskate. Or a drug dealer. Might we recommend Boost Mobile’s Blackberry Curve? Its lovely keyboard not only makes sexting a breeze, but if your life partner discovers it, you can always say the office just gave it to you and is making you carry it. Then throw that shit out tout de suite.
Buy an Alibi
Is your sweetie asking too many questions? Alibinetwork can provide you with answers—from fake email confirmations for doctors appointments and job interviews to caller ID spoofing so that certain someone thinks you’re in Dubai. Not the creative type? They’ll even cook up an excuse for you. It’ll cost you at least $US75, but hey, this is your marriage we’re talking about!
Erika Stalder is an author and advice columnist who really doesn’t think you should cheat on your significant others. Check her work out at erikastalder.com, and buy her books while you’re at it!