The iPhone Really Needs To Get Some Better Porn Apps [NSFW]

The App Store is oozing with sleaze; sex-themed apps are everywhere. But here's the thing: these "porn" apps are always terrible. Here are some of the worst, and how to fix this, the most important problem in the world.

First, here are a few of the worst, collected by Intern Kyle and myself. It's a list of disappointment, of broken promises, and most importantly, of no nudity.

Tits & Boobies and Pussy Lovers Price: Free Promise: Tits, boobies, pussies. Delivery: Tits, boobies, pussies, as in birds, birds and cats. Basically harmless since it's a free joke app, but it could have just as easily been approved as a paid app. It's raw bait, and got pulled yesterday, but only after we started writing about it.

Peekaboo

Price: $1.19 Promise: 3D naked girls. It actually says "naked". Delivery: 3D girls, not naked. They look like Real Dolls with bathing suits on. If your girlfriend caught you looking at a normal BOOBZ app, she might get angry. If she caught you looking at this, she'd probably just be worried.

Wobble iBoobs!!

Price: $1.19 Promise: Wobbling boobs, with users input. Delivery: This app is primarily BYOBoob, and the wobbling effect is kind of crappy. This is a porn app only if you make it a porn app; you can just as easily wobble photos of eyes.

BootyClock

Price: $1.19 Promise: To put the "booty" back in "clock". Delivery: A handful of photos of arsecrack, with a digital clock overlaid. For what it's worth, you can add your own photos, so at least it's possible to get actual nudity here, even if it's yours, and disgusting. This also raises the question: how much butt is too much butt for the app approval team? Do they have diagrams?

SlideHer Tera Patrick

Price: $1 Promise: Porn star Tera Patrick in some kind of puzzle. Nudity isn't promised, but it is implied. Delivery: Yes, Tera Patrick is there, and so is a puzzle. They're even combined! But Tera Patrick, porn lady, is never nude here. She makes her living inserting various parts of other people into various parts of herself without any clothes on, but the closest we can get to that in the App Store is to put her in a bikini, chop her into pieces and shuffle her around.

1,100 Asian Boobs for FREE!

Price: Free Promise: 1100 Asian Boobs Delivery: There are at least 1100 Asian boobs here, and possible upwards of 2200 - it's not clear if the title refers to raw boob count, or humans with boobs. But either number is generous, as a cynic might say this app has zero Asian boobs, because they're all covered with clothes. By this logic, every photo of your mother every taken is actually a photo of TWO BOOBS. At least it's free, if a little ad-riddled.

Amateur Pasties - Real Hot Sexy Girls

Price: $1.19 Promise: The title literally promises inexperienced pasties, which doesn't make sense. That said, a reasonable person will expect to see amateur pastie wearers, specifically in the form of "real hot sexy girls". Delivery: Amateur pastie wearers, in a relatively small quantity. Lots of the girls are making duck faces, and as intern Kyle notes, some of these photos, and the pasties therein, "clearly" aren't "ready for the big time". Charitable!

3D Girls Player - see the hot sexy Girls for real

Price: $1.19 Promise: Hot sexxxy girls, somehow rendered in 3D. It's like they're really there! (And really small!) Delivery: Headache-inducing, stereoscopic side-by-side photos which you have to defocus your eyes to look at, or that are rendered in seizury two-frame animations. In the pictures, fake tans hide infinite human sadness.

Exotic Rainbow Guys

Price: $4 Promise: "Fit, chiselled bodies" Delivery: There aren't so many dudes in the skeezy section of the App Store, and for whatever reason that bar on dude apps is even lower. This one has a fair selection of photos, but only adds one a week. And they're just photos of dudes with their shirts off! You can find dirtier material in the checkout line at your supermarket.

Sexy Video

Price: $5 Promise: Sexy videos. Sexy videos. Sex videos. Sex. Delivery: Over 50 videos of ladies projecting various levels of sexiness. It's better than photos, but not really: these clips are like the free, teasing previews you'd find on a real porn site, except you have to pay for them, and there's nothing more to see.

Sexy Battery Life

Price: $1.19 Promise: To make checking your battery life a vaguely sexual experience. Delivery: You have to open the app to check the battery life, since Apple doesn't let you modify the actually iPhone battery readout. The app basically just chops the model's body according to how much charge is left. It's more terrifying than sexy. It also looks like it was coded in about four minutes, possibly with one hand.

Of course, you can pick up your iPhone right now and go to a porn site. It's a smartphone. It has the internet. Some sites even have iPhone-optimised video streaming and navigation, because apparently, just like on every other device that's been connected to the internet, people use their smartphone for porn. This is an inevitability.

And Apple has a ratings system in the App Store. It has a 17+ rating, for apps with violent, crude or sexual content - or app that have a browser function, which could be used to access objectionable content. Most of the apps above are 17+, which means that if parents so choose, they can block their iPhone-having children from even being able to download them. It follows that they could do the same for 18+ apps, so why haven't they?

I can understand Apple not wanting to get into the porn business, which, by taking 30 per cent of developers' revenue, I guess they would sort of be doing. But the current setup just doesn't make any sense. You can buy an app with a built-in browser, which can access the most horrible smut on the web, and get a 17+ rating. But if you link said app to one of those sites, and disable general browsing, suddenly it's verboten. Again, I can understand how we ended up here, but the results, as you've seen, are depressing.

It's fair to say that most people just assume there are porn apps, when there really aren't. But there are hundreds of apps that look like porn apps, cost money, and that are, effectively, bait-and-switch scams. Apple can fix this in two ways: they can open the floodgates and just let people have their real porn apps, which would effectively kill these in-between semi-porn apps, or they can revise how the App Store works: by instituting a 24-hour open return policy for paid apps, like the Android Market has, people would simply return these worthless apps, and developers, now unable to trick people into giving them boner money, would stop making them. They would tumble down the rankings and into oblivion.

Anyway, no matter what Apple does, people will continue to look at photos of naked humans on their iPhones. It may make the company squirm, but there's no reason to pretend it's not happening, and to let scammers screw up the App Store more than they already have. So do something, Apple! The fate of the world depends on it, a little!

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