How Tiger Woods Should Have Used Technology To Cheat On His Wife

It's a story doomed to repeat for all of time: Man cheats on wife, wife catches man, wife eagle-claw-slaps man, man runs away, wife chases after man with a golf club, man crashes car. This could have been prevented.

As Tiger's scandal winds to a middle, we're hearing more about what actually happened, and all the sad mis-uses of technology that led the man-of-many-races to this point. Here are the mistakes he made, and how you can avoid them to better cheat on your spouse.

Come on El Tigre, this is the most obvious one. Never use your own mobile phone to call your mistress! Seriously, how hard is this concept? Your wife can check your mobile phone bills, check your account status or even check your phone for weird calls. Just buy a new pre-paid phone and use that instead. You'll want to always keep that on vibrate, so your spouse doesn't question why there's a weird ringtone going off.

As Mark Wilson suggested, if you're going to be dumb enough to keep your cheat-pal on your phone, save her as "Mum". Or "Grandma". Or "Chiropractor".

Make sure your spouse doesn't have any kind of tracking device on you. This means turning off Latitude, or any similar services from other providers. Hell, you probably just want to shut off your main phone entirely and claim you were somewhere without reception.

As we saw in the Taiwanese recreation, Tiger was driving away from his wife when he turned around to inspect a) what the hell club she was using to smack his car with, and b) how much damage the crazy woman was doing to his ride. Bad move. You turn your head at 2:30 in the morning, all goosed up on pills, and you're going to smack into a tree.

What he should have done was install a backup camera in his car so he could keep his eyes on the road, yet still see what his wife was swinging at. [Amazon]

And this one is just sad AND dumb. Mr. 1 billion left his own name on the voicemail of his mistress, begging her to change her greeting so that when his wife calls, he could have some deniability as to who he was calling.

First, never leave your name. "It's me" works just fine. She'll know who you are. I mean, you've slept with her a number of times. And your voice is all over TV. It's likely that she can recognise you without you having to identify yourself. And even then, it's a good idea to use a voice modulator when you leave voicemails, so that people can never trace them back to you. "Hey, that wasn't my voice," you claim, before following up with a denial about even knowing how voice modulators work.

"This is Optimus Prime. The Earth is in danger unless you meet me at the Motel 6 off route 57 at 10 PM tonight." (Don't pick that one.) [US Magazine voicemail and Voice Modulators]

As the father of two kids, Tiger should have prepared himself for the possibility—however slim—that he was going to get caught. And when you're super rich and you get caught cheating, that's reason enough for your wife to divorce you and try and get half of your stuff.

What should he have done? Set up a spy camera in his living room. Not only would it have documented the supposed domestic abuse (face slapping) generously given by his wife, it might have captured HER cheating on him as well; both things very handy in a divorce hearing.

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