The Things Malcolm Ate

The Things Malcolm Ate

My perspective is that nature always beats technology. Waves eat ships, roaches beat Mortein and earthquakes topple buildings. Every day, this conflict plays itself out in front of my eyes as Malcolm the puppy gnaws on gadgets.

I’ve had Malcolm for a year now. He’s a little dog. He’s a good boy although kind of a moron, but Lisa and I love him. As a puppy, he chewed on a good variety of things (as puppies do). Pens probably reminded him of bones; he would jump onto Lisa’s chair to grab a pen from her desk and prance away with his prize, crunching away to get at the inky marrow. He’d attack shoelaces with such fervour you’d think they were spaghetti with meat sauce. Glasses, too. He liked biting up the ear pieces so they would be jagged and painful to wear. But now that he’s a bit older, he’s developed a primary affinity for eating gadgets.

TV remotes are fun for him, but only rectangular ones and mostly on the corners. The Toshiba remote has a little bit of chew on the corners, but the AppleTV remote, made of that soft chicklet-looking plastic, is his favourite. If I leave it on the coffee table, I will find it under a couch cushion two days later looking more worn. The black IR cap has broken off and the battery case has popped out. I’m lucky he didn’t swallow the batteries. One time he even chewed through a 110V cable for a heating pad. I’d only unplugged it that morning!

Malcolm’s favourite thing to chew on is an animatronic lion cub. Someone sent it to me last year, unsolicited, and it turned into a dog toy. It’s basically a little robot cub that growls and moves its eyes and mouth. The size of a teddy bear. Malcolm used to be scared of it, but now he just unleashes all the hell a 4kg dog can on it. I think he hates it. After all he’s a flesh and blood dog, and the lion is a robotic cat. Not only is the conflict inter-species, but its a battle between a biological being and a robotic one.

I don’t have a point here. I just find it amusing and fun to watch nature’s greatest machines destroy the primitive man-made replicas. Man, do we have a long way to go.

*Yes, I spray things down with bitter apple now.