In all honesty, this entire list is a "do not buy" for normal people, but I love my dogs beyond reason. So, here are some unreasonable gifts for them, your pets and your pet-loving geek friends.
Remote Fetch: Ball chasing is very good exercise for pooches, even if it can cause obsession and anti-social tendencies that will result in thousands of dollars in dog therapy. Capable of being remote triggered at 7- or 15-second intervals, or just automatically throwing balls your dog drops in the bucket, it might be worth the trouble. Think of it as the equivalent of a video game for a dog. $299 from godog.com.au [GoDogGo!]
Hotdoll:Ugh! Someone actually went and turned the hotdoll dog sex-doll concept into an actual product. The doll has a silicon... nevermind. We had one at Gizmodo Gallery and one owner brought one in to see if their dog - that loves humping - would hump it. He did not. I guess just like real people, it takes a flexible sexual orientation to find comfort in inanimate figurines. Price TBD [Hotdoll on Giz]
Indiana Jones and Star Wars Dog Costumes: Remember when Indiana Jones shot that guy with the swords in Temple of Doom? What if, no, listen, wait, what if Harrison Ford was a dog and in that scene and, instead of shooting the assassin, he used teeth! And, like in Star Wars, instead of light sabres, they had swords made of bones. Oh man, hilarious! Earnestly, these costumes are the only items on this list you should legitimately buy for your dogs. Roughly $US14 each. [SpoiledRottenDoggies]
Autofetch Motion Pet Ball: It looks like the famous Super Happy Fun Ball* from Saturday Night Live sketches in the '90s, and although not radioactive, the Autofetch ball acts freakishly similar. The motorised dog toy takes a cookie and then spins around, wildly, until the batteries go out, or your dog goes insane and crushes the life out of it. Recommended! *Do not taunt! $US27 for two. [Autofetch]
Bissell SpotBot Pet: Puppy training is basically like potty training a kid, except your whole apartment is the nappy. Here we have a steam cleaner that sprays cleaning solution to the mess on your carpet, a rotating brush that scrubs while the vacuuming action drinks - sorry, that may have not been the best choice of word - up the dirty water, storing it in a reservoir for disposal later. Basically, it's an automatic poop/vomit/pee cleaner. $US140 [Bissell]
Catgenie: Look, I know I said this whole list is a bunch of things you shouldn't buy, but this is the one you should especially not buy: CatGenie is basically an automatic litterbox that takes 45 minute to cycle out the poop. Until humans engineer smarter pets that can be potty trained, there is no tech that can avoid domestic animal excrement handling. $US329 [Catgenie review]
Sleepypod Air: This is a travel bag for little animals. What makes it different from other bags is that it has special deceptive fold-in panels that squash your animal while going through security checkpoints, so no-one can tell you your bag is too big. (Don't worry, I don't think it'll kill your cat.) Then, after you board, it expands a few inches but fits under a chair. It also has a slot for slipping through a rolling luggage handle, so the bag can rest on top, and has seatbelt clips for placing it in car seats. $US150 [Sleepypod Air]
The Hydroglass: For those who believe fish are pets, even though you can't hug them, I'd find it hard to believe you could do better than this fish tank, which has a seven-head horizontal shower on top. $US14,500 [Hydroglass]
Don't forget to recommend your own favourite pet gifts in the comments.
All Giz Wants is our annual round-up of favourite gift ideas, including amazing attainable objects and a few far-out fantasies. We'll be popping guides catered to different interests several times per day for the next week, so keep checking back.