An Exclusive Look Inside Steve Jobs’ House

An Exclusive Look Inside Steve Jobs’ House

Steve Jobs is a private man, so only those very close to him ever get a look inside his home. Privacy shmivacy! Here’s our exclusive look inside, revealing some downright surprising aspects of the bearded one’s personal life.

Illustrations by the illustrious Dan Meth, the artist behind The Seven Types of Employees You Meet at Best Buy and the Pop Culture Charts.

Giant portrait of Steve Jobs — Jobs has a gigantic portrait of multiple versions of himself deep in thought in his living room. He uses it as inspiration when he’s hit a mental block. It’s entitled “Bottomless Pools of Thought” and he had it commissioned from iconic British artist Damien Hirst for $US7,000,000.[imgclear]

[REDACTED]prototype — Steve gets the first prototype of any gadget Apple is currently working on so he can put it through its paces. If this [REDACTED]passes his stringent tests, it’ll hit the market sometime in 2012. It’s the first [REDACTED]to integrate a [REDACTED] , which is sure to make the fanboys flip out. Currently, he’s got it placed between three crystals for his standard “aura” test to see if its design gives off a positive energy.[imgclear]

Heart of an Indian beggar child in a display case – Steve went on a vision quest in India back in the 70s. Essentially, he wandered around Mumbai on a combination of mescaline, mushrooms and huffed Scotchguard. While under this influence, he murdered a beggar child with his bare hands. He keeps the heart as a reminder that he is the master of his own destiny.

Awkward ergonomic desk chair with no back — Jonathan Ive gave this to Steve back in 2003 as a Christmas present. Johnny told him it promoted good ergonomics, but Steve just likes it because it proves that he doesn’t need to lean back on anything; he can support himself just fine.[imgclear]

Mirror over the bed — This isn’t for sex — Steve insists on sleeping alone, as anyone sharing the bed with him “disturbs the purity of [his]dreams.” It’s so the first thing he sees in the morning is himself.[imgclear]

Unopened charity solicitation letters — Steve gets loads of letters from various charities hoping that he’ll use some of his vast wealth to better their cause, be it vaccine research or college scholarships. He uses them as kindling for the fires he lights in his massive hearth, after removing the stamps for his stamp collection.[imgclear]

Servant family — A Guatemalan family lives in the basement of the Jobs home. They do all of the cooking and cleaning and are paid in iTunes gift cards.[imgclear]

Steve Ballmer voodoo doll — Steve’s been working on this for years. Rather than sticking him with pins, he soaks the doll in boar sweat during Ballmer’s public appearances.[imgclear]

Surveillance monitors — Steve has cameras installed in the homes of all of his employees to make sure they aren’t leaking product details or discussing them with their families. He keeps watch over all of them personally.[imgclear]

Tibetan prayer flags, Buddha statue, incense, Koran, etc. — Steve keeps objects from many religions around his home. He isn’t religious, but spiritual. He believes in the deity that lives within himself. Himself and nobody else.