LOS ANGELES, California (Agencies) — Hello Kitty, actress, astrophysicist and acclaimed author of the play I Can Has Pink Cheezburger, has been found dead in her Los Angeles apartment on Tuesday, probably because of an accident with a home appliance and drug overdose. LAPD, however, is not ruling out other possibilities:
"We are not ruling out other possibilities," said LAPD captain Mike Furillo, "there's the microwave, the gas oven, the hairdryer, the water boiler, the butler and that huge stash of MDMA and Xanax." He then proceeded to show the press what appeared to be sightly burned leather gloves in a plastic bag. "And then we have these. We found them in the living room with the initials O.J. on them. Can you believe it? Can you see the pattern here? Can you? Huh? Huh?" while winking repeatedly at the press waiting outside Hello Kitty's apartment block.
Japanese-born Kitty, 34, whose real name was Janice Lindeblower, was found naked, her body charred on the kitchen floor next to dead boyfriend Badtz Badtz Maru, 31, who had the same injuries, according to LA County coroner Jim Exposito. Both were pronounced dead at the scene. Asked about the possible cause of death, Exposito said that "the first clues point out to an electrical problem. Apparently the microwave went into some kind ultra-powerful cycle. Almost demonic. Yeah. That's it. I bet they were demons or something." According to Engadget editor Ryan Block, this is highly improbable: "a non-ionizing 2.45 GHz electromagnetic waves emitter consumer-oriented device like this won't kill people unless their cavity magnetrons have been tampered with, for what the IEEE specifies as military radar definitions, that is, 30 to 300GHz waves. These guys need to learn how to do their jobs."
Two cross-sections from Hello Kitty autopsy. One with roasted pineapple. Gross.
Famed Hello Kitty expert and Digg editor Kevin Rose was sad to hear the news. "I'm sad to hear the news," Rose said via radio-link from his yacht in the Mediterranean, "my story with Kitty goes a long way back, even if our relationship went a little cold when she met that penguin. No pun intended."
In a phone call later today, close friend of Kitty and LOLcats Inc.'s VP of Marketing Lady Fatouche declared: "o the tearz. Firs Chandler now Kitty. Wear iz we goin to do wiz no Kitty? Dis terribl sad newz. Terribl."
Hello Kitty left no heirs to her $58 billion fortune, composed by several estates, intellectual property portfolios, Apple stock and, reportedly, the biggest collection of pink sex toys in the world. According to unnamed sources, erotic novels auteur Jason Chen, who had a brief affair with la Kitty during the 90s, may claim his rights over her assets. "Or at least, her sex toys collection," Mr. Chen said in a note sent from his San Francisco, California, 5,380-square-foot triplex bachelor pad. "And her bras." [Hello Kitty Hell]