Why Megatron Will Never Beat Optimus Prime

IMG_0077.jpgMegatron, man. What happened to you? Before this Michael Bay movie, you had some balls. You used to turn into a giant gun, or a gun that Starscream could pick up and shoot those goody-two-shoes Autobots with. A giant gun so big that Dirty Harry would have splat like a bug on a 80mph windshield if he had to deal with the recoil. Some kind of crazy f'd up die-cast Decepticon Walther P-38. But no more.

Now look at you. The build quality is *excellent* and better than the Optimus Prime by Hasbro. I know, you've got batteries and sound effects now. (Still no Biew Biew Biew.) And you've got some translucent under-wings that are spring-loaded and neon. And you have a chain-whip/grappling hook, secured to a spring-loaded three-pronged claw. But what's with all the ornate armor? Who redesigned you without asking any of the legions of Transformer fanboys?

You're all frilly. You call them spikes, but it looks like robot lace. And If you're way easier to transform, its because you don't really transform into anything but a frilly fake jet that observes zero laws of aerodynamics. Your wings look like wings on a paper aeroplane that I made in 3rd grade that crashed into Mrs. Pendleton's boob. Really, all you do to transform is fold out the wings on your back, flip your head up, and put giant spikes onto your arms. And your legs don't really transform into anything, they just sit underneath and back like a duck's while it squats on some eggs. Really. You look like a sissy gundam reject.

SPOILER: Autobots win in your new movie. Sorry, but what do you expect when a Red White and Blue 18-wheeler Cab goes head to head with a transformer that transforms into nothing? Prime is going to kick your ass. Please go find your dignity and your bullets and turn back into the Megatron we all knew and feared would take over the Earth.

RIP Die Cast Megatron megatron1a.jpg


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