Buffoons at the Department of Homeland Security have come up with yet another genius plan. Deputy Director Rolf Dietrich thinks it would be "a really, really neat thing" to equip all cellphones with special detection devices that could sense radioactive isotopes, toxic chemicals, anthrax and any other creepy-crawlies that might hurt innocent and unsuspecting citizens who love America.
Just imagine all the false alarms these things would set off. It would only cost a few trillion bucks per year to keep track of the warning status of the 190 million+ cellphones in the United States. Perhaps the Department of Homeland Security could just issue some magic anti-explosive plastic bags like the ones they dole out at the airport, and all of us could just put them over our heads to protect us from the terribly toxic tools of terrorist evildoers.
Dial "N" for Nuke-Detector [Danger Room]