Gadget Guide to Becoming a Superhero

Gadget Guide to Becoming a Superhero

It used to be enough just to save a cat from a tree. But with the commonality of CGI, stuntmen and radioactive cellphones, the bar has been raised. Being a hero gets you a pension. Being a superhero gets you everything else. (Like a show on NBC and loads of fruit/sausage/tiny mustard baskets).

But becoming a superhero is no small feat. More often than not, radioactive waste makes appendages fall off instead of making them bigger stronger.That’s why we’ve assembled the essential gear you need to become a superhero—and the best part—it all exists right now. Apart, these items are troublesome. Together they culminate in nothing less than a Captain Planet–style ass whooping (without the water, fire, earth, etc powers).

HAL 5 Robo Suit
Primary Function: Super Strength
Secondary Function: Looking Cool

Throwing a bad guy across the room is tough work. But throwing half a guy? Twice as easy. That’s why our first recommendation is Cyberdyne Systems’ HAL 5 (hybrid assistive limb) Robo Suit. This device has made its way around the Internet and back, but luckily the technology has yet to fall into the Wrong Hands. Weighing about 33 pounds, the suit will nearly double your strength autonomously by tracking electrical nerve impulses through your skin via electromyogram sensors. Translation: you punch and it punches with you. Couple that with some steroids (this ain’t baseball, people…it’s fair) and you’ll be in business. Price: $60,000

Tazer Gloves

Primary Function: Shocking
Secondary Function: Dishes

The Tazer Gloves are more for the do-it-yourself superhero. (We suggest farming the work out to a loyal butler or loving mother.) Running off AA batteries, you can put out 300+ volts using tin foil contacts. But with a few modifications (maybe hooking up to a real Tazer) and a little black market exploding lithium ion power, the sky is the limit. Price: $20

Thermal Vision Binoculars

Primary Function: Spotting Bad guys
Secondary Function: Recreational Stalking

Night vision seems like a good idea until some punk drops a smoke bomb or a flare. That’s why we only go thermal with our vision aids. Detecting heat signatures up to half a mile away, you can see even greater distances if you send a naïve sidekick ahead to scout. Price: $18,000

M-7 Spy Ear

Primary Function: Super Hearing
Secondary Function: Fitting in with old people

Don’t let the model fool you—he is an ex-marine/ninja/power lifter. Having blown all your money on useless suits and vision, we thought we’d save some money on the super hearing. And since it’s tough to hang from a building while holding one of those massive satellite dish things, we opted for the old guy in-ear design of the M-7. Price: $30

ATLAS Powered Rope Ascender
Primary Function: Scaling buildings
Secondary Function: Mysterious exits

Adding roughly 30 lbs to your load, the ATLAS Powered Rope Ascender may not be for all superheroes, but then again, you can’t really be considered a superhero if you can’t make it to the top of a building. And this device will pull loads up to 250 lbs 10 feet per second. Price: Call for more information.

TAC700 Automatic Pepper Ball Gun
Primary Function: Making men cry
Secondary Function: Scaring bad guys who think you have a real gun

We know what you’re thinking: “I’m fighting demon spawn and you give me a freaking paintball gun??” First off, the TAC700 shoots harder ammunition that hurts like hell. On impact, this ammunition explodes into a cloud of choking, burning pepper gas. Then realize you can shoot 6 rounds/second from up to 150 feet away (at 380 feet/second). Unless you are in Texas, this is about the best you can do legally. And besides, superheroes can’t kill people. And we’re not falling for the “shoot the leg” philosophy for a second. Price: $890

Tesla Car…Not That One
Primary Function: Just LOOK at the thing
Secondary Function: Cruising with WonderWoman

Bottom line: whether you are battling a mutant lobster or a giant robodinosaur, your car will scare the living **#& out of them. Price: Write the inventor really nicely and ask/beg/use your supersuit on him.

Congratulations. Assuming you purchased everything on our list, you are now you are a full-fledged superhero. You can officially stop hanging out at your local nuclear reactor waiting for an “accident” to happen. And while you’re at it, put down that gerbil. Because gerbil powers suck. Always go insect unless you are Jeff Goldblum.