TouchWiz is the first custom Android interface that’s worse than the standard one, and shows what kind of horrible things emerge when Samsung’s interface designers are left unchecked. Here’s how I think the design process went, roughly: The designers dropped a bunch of acid, stared at old Atari games while binging on Taco Bell, then proceeded to shit all over the phone for hours and hours.

If it’s not inherently ugly, like text input screens with awful ’80s neon orange and blue, it’s gratuitous and redundant, like the 3D app cube. Or an entirely separate menu of Samsung icons for apps. And some things, like moving the slide-out menu to the left instead of its traditional place on the bottom, actually work against the way you use the phone — the menu gets in the way now, since I’d often bring it out by accident while changing between desktops. It’s just… terrible. Worse, Home Switcher, an app that reverts phones back to the stock Android home screen, can’t erase Samsung’s disgusting mojo. The Behold II would be 10x better with a vanilla build of Android 1.6.

Even the phone hardware is a mess. The front of the phone is an orgy of buttons: seven, to be precise, not including a d-pad, with a dedicated button for the app cube. The lock key isn’t just on the side but it’s kind of hidden, flush against the bezel. The USB port is weirdly shoved on top. And, uh, what the hell is up with the back plate?

Two things are good about the Behold II — Samsung’s custom camera setup comes straight out of their point-and-shoot cameras, and is packed with features, like extensive manual controls and burst shooting, and it’s very fast unlike the rest of the phone. The other is the AMOLED display which is nice, though marred by the same kind of bluish tint as Samsung’s other AMOLED Android phone, the Moment.

Take a good long look at the Behold II though: It’s a warning to other developers what not to do, and a scary look at one dark possible future for Android, in its infinite permutations. Not just deep fragmentation of the platform, but customised crimes against humanity, perpetrated in the name of Android. It makes me want to cry, except that my brain’s too mushy to make my eyes work.

It’s all bullshit, of course. Like Monster Cable and that $US500 Denon Ethernet cable, there’s more snake oil flowing through this “premium” socket than anything else.

And as with that Denon Ethernet cable, the comments from “satisfied users” are what really make this product worth “investigating”. Buyer beware. [Parts Express via Boing Boing]

Or better yet, do what I do: Forget this thing and take out one of those archaic dead tree cookbooks, turn a few pages, and read the mysterious “ink” that resides on them.

No? Still craving the frame? OK, then some details… The $US271 8-inch digital frame plays 48 instructional videos featuring chef Brian Turner. The action can be controlled by the included remote control, which we hope is waterproof or otherwise protected from flying food in some way.

When not in use, say the day after Christmas when this goes into the closet forever, the frame doubles as a calendar and photo frame. Bon appétit, chumps! [Appliancist via Engadget]

Seriously. Why? [Casetation 2 at Flickr - Thanks (?), Akshay]

As though that glowing monstrosity sitting on your desk wasn’t enough already, this tool of Satan gives you a 1.5-inch, 128×128 screen that can display an entire megabyte (!!!) worth of photos. What next? Digital photo frames on my speakers?! On my phone?! On my digital photo frame?! But if this is your thing, by all means shell out another $US23 and support the digi-frame invasion.

And laugh if you want, but when you’re running down a dark alley shouting “PILLS HERE,” you’ll regret not taking me seriously. [Memory Cup via Coolest Gadgets]

But, it’s a bean bag with branding, so it’s $US10.

However, I can save you $US9 and a serious case of buyer’s remorse with this link right here. It’s also bean bag. For 98 cents. You’re welcome. Buy ten and have a little movie watching party, where you can reminisce with friends about how you almost spent $US10 for a bean bag. [Movie Wedge via CrunchGear]

If you seriously can’t stop salivating over this thing, it’s $US20 at FredFlare. [FredFlare via technabob]

Normally, we’d call a $US106 keyboard that boasts no significant features—aside from deadly cuteness and the ability to make grown men say “No, seriously, this is for my kid sister, honest” on command—a ripoff, but since this cat would skin us alive, we’ll stay quiet. Goes well with this, which is also pink, and therefore adorable.

Works with Windows XP, Vista and assorted torture devices. [Geek Stuff 4 You via Coolest Gadgets]

Enticing marketing copy seals the deal:

Nothing lifts the spirits like a good yodel, but most of us don’t have the skill to yodel on cue. That’s where the Emergency Yodel Button comes in. Keep this 4″ x 3″ x 5/8″ plastic device with you at all times and when the need arises, press the button to hear the sweet mellifluous warbling of an alpine yodel.

That’s certainly correct. I neither have the ability, nor the desire, to emit a skilled yodel on cue. Costs $US12.50 and your dignity. FYI: Goes well with this. [Archie McPhee via Red Ferret]