This may be the best explanation for dark matter yet: It's just fucking nitrogen. OK, fine, scientific explanations from The Onion really shouldn't be taken too seriously, but gorramit, it's Saturday morning and we've had plenty of hardcore astronomical science to blow your mind already this week.
Tagged With the onion
Briefly: The new iPhones have just hit the streets, and you know what that means: A million reviews comparing the Cupertino fruit stand's newest smartphone to its toughest competition. Don't waste your time. The Onion's hilarious comparison is the only one you need to read.
Satirical news site The Onion has a reputation for headlines that are almost believable, yet clearly fake to any with a modicum of common sense. Sadly, even a modicum seems difficult to summon for certain sections of the Facebook community, with the social media giant admitting to testing a "Satire" tag for articles invented for comedy purposes.
The FuelBand is dead but who cares, really. Because who needs a fitness tracker that tells you how much you already ran? Now, thanks to The Onion, we have Nike's new +Runlogic, which can tell you exactly what you're running to escape.
Bookworms who've baulked at upgrading to an ereader have a long list of reasons why they won't give up their paper copies. But there's only one real reason why anyone would carry around a book anymore: It lets them show off what they're reading in public. And as The Onion reveals, that's what led Amazon to create a new version of the Kindle that shouts the title of your current book so everyone knows how well read you are.
The Xbox One boasts a lengthy feature list that Microsoft hopes will entice gamers over to its side of the console war for the next few years. But as The Onion points out, none are as impressive as the next-gen console's innovative voice commands that make it easier than ever for the hardware to control its users.
The Onion is ceasing publication of its print edition. It was only distributing the actual paper in Chicago, Providence and Milwaukee, and those cities will see their last version of the Onion on December 12.
There's nothing the new Samsung Apex can't do. Seriously, smartphones these days are just full-service products. The Onion's take on smartphone market one-upsmanship obviously takes things to an unhinged level. But at least Samsung wouldn't be stepping on anybody's patent. We think.
Your favourite apps are there to cater to your every whim. At least until it's time to cater to the whims of a monolith that wants to know your personal details and is willing to pay top dollar for them. Here's what you really mean to the photo-sharing services — and basically everything else — of the world, compliments of The Onion.
The Onion's Extremely Accurate History of the Internet rolls on, this time shining a light on social networks, YouTube and Hitler. Yep, that sounds like the internet!
The Onion has some intel on Apple's solution to the Apple Maps debacle. Instead of just fixing the app, Tim Cook & Co. are just going to alter the earth's geography.
I'm sure the new Onion's TED parody is funny, but I was just too impatient to sit through all that talk about how we consume, digest and poop out news even before they are fully written. So I jumped to the end, when a dog eats an apple pie, a moment I've waited to see in detail since they released their series trailer.