[Fleshlight]

As you’ll see, existing innovations take our tongues, fingers, vulvas and penises to the next level. But the future of sex augmentations appears to lie in biometrics and in networking. Soon toys will learn from and interact with our bodies’ responses, with or without a partner, while teledildonics will help people separated by vast distances get closer (and wetter).

Tongue, Extended
Whoever made women’s genitals certainly made them tricky to stimulate — especially orally. Enter the Tongue Joy, a vibrating tongue enhancement to help human tongues do what no human can in terms of sensation and endurance. Strap the silicone-banded vibe on your tongue (or, if your tongue is pierced, use the barbell piercing attachment) and proceed with awesome. It’s battery operated and comes with multiple band sizes in case you want to strap it around something bigger. Four silicone sleeve attachments enhance the size and texture of the vibrating yummy-ness. Lovely for oral sex on a man, too, particularly those who are into hummers that aren’t cars.

Bionic Fingers
The vibrating three-finger power pack and glove by Fukuoku enhance the size and function of one’s digits, transforming your fingers into vibrators that run at up to 45,000vpm (that would be vibes per minute). They’re more particularly cyborg-y than most sex toys, if that’s your thing. (Ahem, Malebots subscribers!)

Unnatural Male Enhancement
The Ride On (pun intended) blows most penis extenders (pun not intended) out of the water. It’s more comfortable, less bulky and stays on in more positions than other models — all while fulfilling its purpose of enhancing the size and function of a man’s penis. Function? Yes. Some men use these not for length or girth but to keep having sex during half time. Available from Vixens Creations, the Ride On gets men around that annoying “refractory period” that is the curse of many a man’s sexistence. It’s also useful for men with severe or chronic erectile dysfunction (ED) who want in.

Electronic Condoms?
Given the perception that condoms may reduce sensation, sex-loving scientists have been proposing vibrating condom designs since at least the 1990s. Given the enormous improvements in vibrators since then, it’s unclear what a vibrating condom — if ever brought to market — would ultimately look like. Will it have an awkward external wire and power pack like the one in this 1995 patent image? (Here’s a PDF of the actual patent.) Or will it be built into the condom itself as thin as a Band-Aid as in my dreams? The design will have to depend on functionality: The vagina is not as sensitive as a woman’s vulva (clitoris, labia, etc) so the value of a vibrating shaft may be more for a man than his partner. That is, unless it vibrates at the base by a woman’s vaginal opening or clitoris, like the Trojan Vibrating Ring or the Bo — a favourite.

The Hydraulic Penis
As potentially borgy as it is, this pre-Viagra augmentation is for now only available for men with ED that is unlikely to respond to medication or sex therapy. This type of penile implant lets men pump themselves into an erect state whenever they want — note that pump in the scrotum — and deflate on command. There’s none of those scary erections lasting longer than four hours that we hear about in longer-lasting-sex commercials. Though many men may dream of having this much control over their erections, the ones who use this do it as a last resort. Once it’s been in use for a while, some men lose their natural erectile reflex because their body no longer has to work at it. Moral of the story: Enjoy what you’ve got.

Hymen Again
Fake hymens give the illusion that one is going where no man has gone before. One option is a hymenoplasty — a surgical procedure that “restores” a woman’s hymen. This is a rare procedure in Western countries, but is performed increasingly elsewhere, often for women who who feel they need to prove their virginity to their fiancé or his family lest they risk shame or, scarily, even violence. Sometimes, the operation is requested by women who want to give their partner the “gift” of taking their virginity, like as an anniversary gift (for serious — and to think I’d go with golf clubs or a satnav).

There is a mail-order product that a woman places inside her vagina which simulates the loss of virginity, fake blood and all. Gigimo’s Artificial Virginity Hymen, has come under fire by some Egyptian politicians, who even called for a ban on it. Meanwhile, women everywhere are still calling for an end to practices that insist they “prove” their virginity to anyone or anything. On a different note, a quick word to Gigimo: When you write that you can “have your first night back anytime”, does that include the awkward fumbling, 20-second staying power, and the two weeks of worrying about being pregnant?

Biometrics: Gadgets That Get You
I’ve seen (dreamed?) the future of sex toys and It. Is. Awesome. Ideas are swirling about how to create sex toys that rely on digital biometrics. No, we’re not talking fingerprint-activated toys that prevent women’s husbands from getting curious when they’re home alone. We’re talking about products that respond to vaginal temperature, pelvic contractions leading up to orgasm, heart rate, even pelvic blood flow. Sexual Aids of the Future may be able to learn a person’s sexual response and alter stimulation patterns based on the data.

Maybe there will eventually be a gadget that will help men to last longer (so long, baseball!) or women to come more quickly. Maybe it will build sexual tension in such a lovely way that pleasure and orgasm are on the “better than average” side of the mountain more often than not. The technology is there, the ideas are there, all it takes is execution, I’m betting sooner rather than later. When the day of biometrically enhanced stimulation comes, I guarantee we will wake ‘n gadget with more than our iPhones.

Teledildonics: Long-Distance Yearning
Though most sex toys enhance in-person play, some toys facilitate sex between people separated by oceans. Take the PenisTron, for example, which looks and probably feels (thanks to vacuum effects) like a Fleshlight version of a vagina — and it can be controlled, tightened or slowed to a seductive drag by a man’s partner out in the ether to simulate the two of them having sex.

There’s also the Communication Hole Rider (which involves vacuum effects) and the Joystick (vacuum effects on the penis and a joystick up the butt) — all which can help to connect two people for interactive sex play.

It’s not sex with a toy; it’s sex with a person via a toy: big difference. Sure, you miss out on the kissing. (The mostly male sex-toy designers never seem to create toys that make out with you, except for some freaky robot girlfriends.) On the other hand, there’s no risk of infection or pregnancy when you’re doing it teledildonically.

My dream for teledildonics is that we eventually fine-tune toys to produce more variety and transitions. IRL sex tends to move, for example, from sucking (vacuum effects) to licking (hey there, Sqweel) to mouth kissing (freaky robot girlfriend) to intercourse (vacuum again) to hand play (toned-down version of the Fukuako glove) or whatever else you’re into (furniture play?). And if it were me playing with a partner over the internet I’d want to touch, to kiss, to lick, to play in varied teasing ways — not just yank their junk with the PenisTron (though it’s a good start). Who’s with me?

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The centre for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.

This week, Gizmodo is exploring the enhanced human future in a segment we call This Cyborg Life. It’s about what happens when we treat our body less as a sacred object and more as what it is: Nature’s ultimate machine.

They’re an early precursor of the IUD, called a stem pessary. And yes, they were as dangerous as they look. Condoms seem, like, cuddly by comparison. See more of the horrible evolution of anti-pregnancy technology at Newsweek, just be warned you might instinctively clutch your own private parts in fear: [Newsweek]

Here’s a gadget etiquette lesson—the type I will be covering in the Ask Jason column. Tip: guaranteed sex always trumps using your iPhone for just about ANY REASON*.

*Unless it’s a phone call for sex with more than one person, in which case, that is an acceptable useage. [Copyranter via Gawker]

I’m actually reviewing two different products from Fleshlight: the Fleshlight Motion ($US90-$US150) and the Sex in a Can ($US40). But they’re both just different versions of the same rubber vagina. The Sex in a Can puts that fake vagina in a big fake beer can, while the aforementioned Fleshlight Motion gives you a leather-encased box to hold on to while you do your thing.

In theory, there’s nothing wrong with using an object to help out your solo stimulation. After all, ladies have all sorts of fun toys that they use, and it’s pretty acceptable. But the male sex toy has never really caught on. Now that I’ve used one, I can see why.

What You’re Getting Yourself Into, Literally

When it gets down to it, these things just don’t feel right. They’re made of a rubbery material that feels absolutely nothing like anything resembling a human body part. They try to make up for that by instructing you to soak them in warm water first and then using a shitload of lube, but really, you’re still f—king a piece of rubber, and there’s nothing you can do to trick your body into thinking otherwise.

And do you seriously want to go through the process of soaking a fake vagina in water, lubing it up and then going to town on it? And have you thought about what happens when you’re done? This is no Kleenex cleanup, my friends. You need to go to a sink and rinse out your rubber vagina and its plastic case. Imagine doing that, and imagine how you’d feel about yourself at that moment. Got that picture in mind? It’s worse than that. Trust me.

Surviving the Shame

If you were really interested in these things, however, I can see how the Sex in a Can could be justified. It’s pretty discreet, and it’s one of those things that could easily be hidden in the back of a sock drawer. And far be it from me to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t. But the Fleshlight Motion, well, that’s just too much.

Seriously, where are you supposed to put this thing? The best you could do to hide it would be to put it in a closet, and even then it would take up a ton of room. A gigantic leather sex toy is the ultimate dealbreaker if a potential mate comes over. I mean, how can you really justify a huge box with a vagina? At least if you have a creepy sex room with all sorts of wedges and swings it shows that you’re into having sex with another person. This just shows an extreme dedication to a party where only you and your penis are invited.

And if you’re able to stay aroused when you look down and see this thing beneath you, you’re a better man than I. Seriously, there’s nothing that kills a boner faster than the self-awareness that comes from being balls deep in a piece of furniture.

At the end of the day, these Fleshlights just made me appreciate the classic standby of jerking off with your hand. I mean, it’s so perfect. It fits well, you can adjust the tightness, it’s always at human-body temperature, it’s free and there’s no need to hide it. You just can’t improve on that. [Fleshlight]

Will never turn you down

Certainly a different sensation than you’re used to

Feels like you’re having sex with a CPR doll

Extremely embarrassing if discovered by friends, family or potential mates

Really gross to clean up

Click here to download the fit kit in PDF format

Believe it or not, using a condom that is not suited for your penis increases the possibilities of breakage and slippage, which in turn increases the possibility of sexually transmitted infections or unwanted pregnancies. Even while they know this—as have been discovered in various studies—the FDA doesn’t allow for condoms that are longer, shorter, thinner or thicker than the average. That’s bad—not to mention effing annoying.

In Europe, however, men will be able to print out this measuring tool, and order exactly the size they need. Maybe someone will bring these condoms to Australia. For now, however, all you can do is print and play.

And yes, I measured it. [Theyfit—Thanks Debby]

Transhumanists believe so, and contemplate how technology might be used to enhance our mental and physical capacities.

H+ Magazine has rounded up some leading minds, and steered their thoughts towards sex. Will it still exist as we know it today?

Sex for procreation will be separated from sex for pleasure. Polyamorism will be the norm. After all if “I” have uploaded, duplicated myself and exist as self-similar copies in cyberspaces co-existent with realspace, where does the “self” end and the “other” begin? —Extropia DaSilva

Exosex, sex outside the biological body, would be simulated in virtuality, much like Second Life or Skype and other digital formats where sex is enhanced, extended, digitized, and synthetic. It would be more real than real – a hyper-real experience. —Natasha Vita-More

Woah. More trippy concepts after the jump. Not exactly safe for work, though. [H+ Magazine via Fleshbot NSFW]

A customer “eventually” notified the manager, and the DVD was removed from the player. “Eventually” as in, “after we all got our fill of the hot action”. So that’s what this guy was looking at! [swtimes via obscuredrugstore]

According to an interview with Kotaku, Vivid Entertainment head Steve Hirsch is gunning after Sony first due to their willingness to allow on-demand adult movies to the PS3 in Japan.

Somehow, I don’t think Microsoft would be down with this, and even though Sony is in Japan, Australia is a much more puritanical country. Just look at our total lack of tentacle porn!

In any case, be sure to check out Kotaku’s story for the full interview. [Kotaku, Image Source]

Yes, it’s the Fleshlight Motion, “the Ultimate Hands Free Experience”. Just think: Now you can jerk off and eat a sandwich with both hands at the same time! Sure, it’ll be about 1000 times more embarrassing if your mum walks in on you using this thing rather than pleasuring yourself traditionally, but who cares? You take masturbating seriously and you don’t care who knows it.

Be sure to check out David Cross’ Twitter feed, which includes a whole bunch of catchphrases for the Fleshlight Motion submitted to him by his followers. Amazing stuff. [Fleshlight Motion via David Cross]