[Andrew Colunga via Neatorama]

Apple Announces Last Year of Christmas

CUPERTINO, California–December 16, 2008–Apple® today announced that this is the last year for Christmas. Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior vice president of Worldwide Product Marketing, spoke at a joint press conference held with Santa Claus at the North Pole this morning. He announced: “Apple has been honored to work with the North Pole the last several years to make Christmas possible, however, we have decided together that this is the last year for Christmas.”

Apple is reaching more people in more ways than ever before, so like many companies, Christmas has become a very minor part of how Apple reaches its customers. The increasing popularity of Apple’s Retail Stores, which more than 3.5 million people visit every week, and the Apple.com website enable Apple to directly reach more than a hundred million customers around the world in innovative new ways, throughout the year.

Apple has been steadily scaling back on holidays in recent years, including Valentine’s Day, Columbus Day, President’s Day and Grandparents Day in Japan.

Apple ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II and reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh. Today, Apple continues to lead the industry in innovation with its award-winning computers, OS X operating system and iLife and professional applications. Apple is also spearheading the digital media revolution with its iPod portable music and video players and iTunes online store, and has entered the mobile phone market with its revolutionary iPhone.

Press Contacts:
Buddy Elf
Apple
elf@apple.com

Papa Elf
North Pole
elf@santasworkshop.np

[Apple Canceled Christmas]

1. Where the fuck did they put that whisky bottle for “daddy”?
2. Rudolph, treat me with love.
3. First your wife, now your car.
4. Man, that Mrs. Claus was such a fat bitch.
5. This number five tastes delicious.
6. My head is bigger than your stool!

Now, you try in the comments.

I know. This is wrong. The web site, I mean. Why pay someone $US9.99 to do a bad Photoshop when you can do that for free? [Capture the Magic-- Thanks Brice, who candidly promoted this site to me over AIM saying: "the internet age, keeping the magic alive! How cool is that!?" So true, dear Brice, so true]

The time was 1955. The place, Colorado Springs. The ad was printed by Sears, and the number… well, the number wasn’t Santa’s phone at the North Pole. It wasn’t even the gold and glitter phone at his secret bachelor pad in Las Vegas. Someone at Sears’ ad department made a mistake, so the phone number printed in the ad wasn’t the one that the Colorado Springs store had set up to take note of the children’s wishes.

It was the hotline for the Continental Air Defense’s Director of Operations, Colonel Harry Shoup.

The CONAD boss wasn’t amused when he got his first call. Instead of a report on missiles falling over Wichita or a Soviet submarine surfacing on the San Francisco bay, what he got was a six-year old telling him what he wanted–probably his own nuclear missiles and a nuclear submarine. However, instead of telling the kid to go visit the elves tied to the warhead of an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile, he did something else: After the second boy called–and after realising what was happening–he told his staff to start giving Santa’s polar coordinates to every child calling that line.

In 1958, CONAD became the North American Aerospace Defence Command, a joint operation between the United States and Canada. By then, the event was already being covered by the media, and kids were calling NORAD’s phone number like crazy. That Christmas Eve, hundreds of volunteers at Cheyenne Mountain and Peterson Air Force base spent part of their night answering the phone and telling kids where Santa was.

The rest, as it usually goes, is history.

This year marks the 50th anniversary of NORAD’s Santa Tracking System, which in 1997 got into the Web–much to the relief of NORAD volunteers. [Norad Santa Tracking, Wikipedia]

[SantaMail App]

I want to read the rest of these emails, badly:

• Yahoo! Answers Answer-Jim311 responded to: “Can Elves get Pregn
• Frosty The Snowman. Dude-Check it. I snapped a pic of this chick that I fu
• George W. Bush. Dear santa-Can I have a third term? I promise I’ll b
• Ronald McDonald. I wish-I had your cred man. I can do more than sell
• Elfbang.com. Your subscription-We renewed your subscription to the hottest elf on elf action [Someone actually registered this domain name. Yes, I tried it.]
• Al Gore, me (7) Re: My Movie-Still haven’t watched it yet? It affects you too, the polar ice c
• Digg. lnsaincain02 has sent you a shout on digg- Another D

In any case, I’m just glad that Santa escaped his imperial imprisonment. [Holy Taco via Walyou]

More fakemodos
• Apple Cancels All iPhone 3G Orders, Releases iBrick 3G
• Apple Introduces iPhone 3G Videoconferencing Kit, ZOMG!
• Indiana Jones’ Theme Secret Lyrics Uncovered
• Apple Introduces Manila Case–The World’s Thinnest Notebook Case

Which means that, one, the no cash excuse will soon be gone forever, and two, even if there wasn’t a five-dollar minimum, giving anything less than five bucks when you bust out the plastic would’ve officially made you a dick anyway, so it’s an exceptionally shrewd manoeuvre. I think I actually feel somewhat violated by this, but how do you have hard feelings against a charity? I guess I am a dick. [Star Telegram via Crunch Gear]

The developer, or someone posing as them (benefit of the doubt, yadda yadda) is offering $US4 for every five-star rating on Amazon’s Mechanical Turk. Since the app costs $US1.99, you’d make a whole two dollars for the effort, enough to buy, like, another actually good iPhone app. Paid reviewers are told to identify themselves by placing five dots (…..) in the review. Gadget Lab points out that as of Friday, six of the 22 reviews had the marker. The dev’s CEO wouldn’t confirm or deny the effort. Shady shady. And dragging Santa into it, for shame. [Gadget Lab via Ars]